Marry A Black Muslim Brother?: Muslim Marriage Attitudes and Blackness
Posted by brotherdash on Jul 1, 2009 in Featured, Social Commentary, The Arts & Islam | 33 comments
Marriage Attitudes
An oft quoted saying from the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, is “Marriage is half of the religion”. One of the main points that Muslims take from the hadith that mentions this is how important marriage is for a person of faith. It is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life so marriage being ‘half of one’s religion’ is not hyperbole at all. Another hadith that is not quoted as often relates to who one should marry. The Prophet Muhammad was asked this question and he responded by saying that marrying someone for their piety is best (he mentioned that you can marry for other reasons as well but that piety was best). But in a complex world filled with many divisions on race, class, gender, ethnicity, language and culture the reality often times is in contradiction with the ideal. Moreover we must consider how we are socialized as far as ideas and images we have regarding marriage. While there are have been many lectures and several books on marriage in Islam it is rare to have frank and open discussions on how race and culture affect our decisions on who to marry. While certain ahadith are quoted, such as the ones above, what happens when it comes to a real decision? What do Muslims really think? I recently conducted two polls on my website, www.brotherdash.com, on marriage. The results are quite interesting.
The first poll conducted in the Spring of 2008 asked respondents if they would marry someone of another race or ethnicity. The responses are below:
Yes, Absolutely 50%
Probably Yes 21.2%
Yes, but not over my parent’s objections 16.9%
Perhaps 6.8% (removed this option in 2nd poll)
Probably not 3.4%
No way absolutely no 1.7%
The second poll conducted in the Summer of 2008 asked a more specific question and of females only. Would you marry an African-American or Afro-Carribean brother? The results are below:
Yes, Absolutely 52.5%
Probably Yes 9.3%
Yes, but not against my parent’s wishes 16.1%
Probably Not 12.7%
No, Absolutely Not 9.3%There were exactly 118 Respondents for each poll.
Anecdotally speaking many in the African-American community have suspected that the issue of “Blackness” is much more significant in marriage than we may pay lip service to. Many African-American Men have often complained amongst each other that Arab and South Asian Muslims would object to their daughters marrying them based on nothing but race not on Islamic knowledge nor perceived spirituality.
While no scientific studies have ever been conducted to confirm or reject this perception the data from the polls lends credence to these prevailing attitudes. What do the polls say when we compare them side by side? While we notice that there is some displeasure amongst a minority of Muslims regarding marriage outside of one’s culture or race it is much more noticeable when the race is specified to African-Americans and Afro-Caribbeans. Conversely however in both polls those who appear to have no concern over marrying outside of perceived race and culture are consistent whether the person is African-American or not. 53% would marry outside of their race/culture when race is unspecified and 50% would do so when African-American is specified. This is fairly close. You also notice this consistency when the respondent states that they would marry outside of their race as long as it was not against parental desire. But there is a glaring difference amongst the “probably nots”, and “absolutely nots.” The difference is huge. Only 5% of respondents said that they would probably not or absolutely not marry someone outside of their race in the 1st poll where race is UNSPECIFIED. But 22% said that they would probably not or absolutely not when the race is specified to marrying an African-American. What the data suggests is that when it comes to marrying a Black man there is not much middle ground and there is much more polarization around the issue. You are either very much for it or very much against it when it comes to “Blackness”.
There is some insight into the respondent’s feelings however. Some of the “no” respondents did send private emails and two of them were actually Women of African and Afro-Caribbean descent themselves. One of the Women discussed how she had a bad marriage with an African-American brother and thus would not marry another. The other respondent said that she was basing her “no” decision on what she has seen in her own personal experience in the community.
I believe that the community would find it to be interesting to have a more comprehensive forum surrounding relationships and gender attitudes amongst Muslims. On the more “pro” side many Women responded that what was most important to them was the brother’s faith, personality, drive or ambition. These are characteristics that are fairly universal desirable qualities in a mate. With such a difference between “no” responses where 5% said “no” with race unspecified (thus leaving the person to pick any race/ethnicity in their mind) and 22% said “no” when forced to pick African-American it begs to ask the question as to why this is not being discussed more in the Muslim community.
Brother Dash
33 comments
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I am currently in this situation. I am a somali sister and a revert who is jamaican is interested for my hand in marriage. I’ve told my mother but she has not favoured this choice, but I’m not willing to back down.
Any advice on how I can get her to turn around?
JazakAllah,
Rayann
When I first looked this website, I did not consider the background of the creator of it and it didn’t matter. I do know know one thing: hearing your open-mic poetry is making me a lover of it. I admit, I haven’t always liked it as some of the poets/poetesses turned me away from that type of poetry,but it’s growing on me, very quickly. keep up the good work.
Although I’m not a Muslim, as Christian woman I wouldn’t look down at it and if I were a Muslim my feelings about the issue would be the same. Respectfully, it’s not culture and/or background that keeps their marriage together,it’s their desire to want to be married is what keeps them together.
When I hear people(of any background) use race and/or cultural backgrounds to define good marriages, not only do I see some of their views as prejudicial,but I also see it was a way take the easy way out of things.No matter we would want to have perfect marriages, it doesn’t exist. There will be good and bad times in it,but it has nothing to with the color of one’s color and culture.
in my diverse, family it consist of people of mixed races, cultures, religions and disabilities and a great deal of them have been married to their spouses for ages.They are also my inspirations into what would like for my marriage. They are strong,they are realistic and they exemplify what good marriages should be about. The problem with some people, they want it their way or there is no way.It’s sad that our idea of the “perfect” spouse relates to such bogus things.
First of all the truth of the matter is a Muslim man can marry “any” believing women. That cuts down immediately on the numbers for believeing Muslim women right? So then we get into the gossipers and liars who go throughout the community talking garbage about black women to men, who might be interested in marrying a sister but these loud mouths, Muslim men, “don’t marry a sister” this bunch. Ya Allah. Please. At any rate I know sisters married to Pakistani’s, Persians, Moroccans,and everything in between. Find what works for you, and wait on Allah to guide you to the right person.
What happened to my comment? Something about it needed modification, was I supposed to sugar-coat my comment? I do apologise, but hey I thought I mention the big fat elephant in the room nothing wrong with that.
I need more than 1 day sometimes to get to approving 1st time commenters.
sallam brothers and sisters,
I know finding a wife/husband is getting hard these days. be patient, make dua and have hope inshallah. You can also try and check out this site…
http://www.singleblackmuslim.com
inshallah we all find someone
Isa
So what is the problem with Muslim African-American/Caribbean men? Why do they care about women from other race? Why don’t they not just marry their own women? There are plenty Muslim African-American/Caribbean women out there looking for husbands. Why the inferior complex? They must hate themselves if they are so desperate searching to be accepted and are desperately searching to marry outside their race. I think the reason a lot of Muslim women would not won’t to marry African-American/Caribbean men is because of some nasty stigma on them. First stigma-they cheat a lot, second stigma- they don’t take care of their women, family, community, hence the reason there are so many broken family within their community. Third stigma comes from the TV, the hip hop and bling bling lifestyle they are after. So again why this article if the African-American/Caribbean men love his own women takes care of her and he doesn’t suffer from inferior complex? When you love yourself, your people and your culture and you take care of your community, then the stigma dies and women from other race will be attracted to you. Also I don’t agree with the idea of African women being disadvantage in the marriage area. I’m a Somali woman the way my community operates is, as soon the girl wants’ to get married she let the family and friends know and she starts socialising, going to weddings etc. You Somalia ladies know what I mean, we Somalia’s don’t have the whole segregation of male/female thing, so it is really very easy through friends, family and socialising to meet someone and eventually get married. I hate this type of articles and always make me moody, I don’t see myself as an racist just because I would like to marry someone from the same culture background and I don’t won’t my children to have identity crisis.
i think we as muslims should be open minded… also that our islam is fair.. and we shouldnt care about anybody skin color…thank u
As a student of knowledge allow me please to give you one perspective on this issue. In America we have a complexed situation when it comes to Muslims and Black and Black Muslims the whole lot. The problem is we Muslims Americans have put and allowed to be put on os and ourselves a lable of who is what is a Muslim American. Point (1) Most of ue who are not taught Islam well beleive that if a brother can speak Arabic Language he must know Islam well. This is false. Speaking arabic and knowing the Aqeedah of Islam hae nothing in common.Point(2) when a non American is confronted with an American Muslim(blackman) he finds he Islam strong and he the (non)American can’t help to ask heself, “how i it that these people can take Islam so strong”, and he is right. He does not understand our committment to Islam. Thus when his daughter or sister falls for one of us Black men (Muslims) he can’t deal with that, he thinks that his own shortcomings will be known or seen because he sees that his Black conterpart who has not had the history of Islam He(non) American has had sees that his Islam his belief is stronger. He sees it and he knows his daughter or sister will also sees. This he cannot deal with , he cannot handle.
Keep in mind this is only one perspective.
As-salaamu alaikoum..
I would totally marry a black brothers..i love african american muslim…i totaly love them…
Iam somali gurl,whoi nlove with crhristan man..he is from Ethopia..and i was so scared to marry him..he love me like his mom.i even dont lve my self like that..sometimes.i cry alot.my friends somali.they talk alot about me.i need help.He even said.i will become amuslim,if u marry me.wow.now he left in uk.and i live in u.s.a…thnx alot.mash lalah.iam happy my lil lifetime.
Salam wa alaykum,
Yes I read this article some months ago and it was one of the things that helped influence me into starting my own blog called After the Nikah. I constructed a post specifically about racial bias in the Muslim community. I adhere to another sister’s comments here that Black women do get the shortest end of the stick but this love/need for lighter and whiter skin hinders many.
Someone made a comment about a Black brother marrying an Asian and how they would need to run away ahahha. My mother who is Indian (from India) but born in Africa married my black father in the states. She was exiled immediately but eventually her family changed their minds. Even they arent together I have realized growing up that my identity was unique. My husband is originally from North Africa didnt seem to harbor any cultural or racial bias which was good for me. In fact we look like each other which is creepy. I like this article, too bad there isnt more written about these issues in the community. I hope to personally do my part inshallah.
Aslaamu alikom. I am a somali sister, and I’m married to a white revert. My parents accepted him once they got to meet him. However apart from my parents most of my relatives and family friends were against it and tried to stop it but alhumdillah my dad refused to listen to them. But i know for sure it would have been even harder getting married to a black brother.
I myself am going through this situation. I am from Pakistan and I truly love this black man but my parents would not accept. I am not sure, but I think they are afraid of change. They want me o marry a Pakistani. But any ways whatever Allah decides will be good for me. I hope Muslims start accepting every color and not discriminate, because that is not Islamic at all. Actually Islam forbids us from being racist in the first place. After all we are from the same parents Adam and Eve.
I’m going through a same situation. I’m in love with a Muslim Black brother and he loves me a great deal, he would absolutely do anything for me. The only problem is that my parents have stated their reservations for me, his “blackness” might shock the Pakistani community and that his culture is completely different. But I honestly don’t care. What is color anyways? God makes us all, and we are all equal. I will iA marry him at the end of this all and I hope more girls like me can have the courage to put their foot down and stand against this racial bias. We are all one and we are all united.
one more thing…..
something that salma said made me remember something..black sisters and brothers, some of them also adopt this way of think to a small degree…like alot of african sister only want white brothers of arab brothers and would state this on their marriage profile recieve no responses get disheartend and say all these people are racist, its because im black but when a black brother appraoches them they act like their not interested some don’t even reply! leave you hanging..
at the end of the day the world is not a fear place and we have to deal with its life..if you can’t handle life then we must stay in our houses…but if you really want to see what the muslims are like go to there countries…masha Allah i have been to alot..like jordon,yemen and even somalia to be very honest ive seen racism maybe once or twice, an arab man didn’t want to give me my change in my hand, oh well i’ll live.. and in yemen a sana’ani called a somlian man habash.. he said “HAY HABASH”
assalaamu alaikom brothers and sisters
im jamaican married to a somali girl in the uk, alhamdulillh i was accepted by the family and now the dad even calls me son! but i do understand there is alot of racism in the muslim ummah towards black brothers, im a real man! so these things don’t affect me anyway, i have heard alot of stories from black brothers who want to get married. i have never heard of a black brother married to an asian except that they must run away together and do the nikah is secret, same with somali sisters,except me of course! arabs and the list goes on..but when it come to a white man “oh masha Allah my daughter married a REVERT we are such good muslims” what colur is the revert “white” ermm! ok masha Allah, somali sister like that the most, italian/white….
but let me get one thing straight…alot of the sisters wouldn’t mind, its the parents who don’t allow them….i mean i had meetings with sisters from lubnan, egypt, somalia and all was well.
but to all black brothers out there, i really think we should be stronger than that…coz if someone don’t like you because your colour then im sure he is not worth knowing, don’t let no one chat rubbish to you…you come from a slave background but who were the slaves? some were kings,queens, mujahideen,ulemah people of society before the slave masters came, be a man and ever ever ever let the actions and the weak mind people who suck up to the white man (no offence) have any affect on your heart.. in essence we are strong people…and one of the reasons why they don’t like is is because we are to strong in our minds and bodies!
asalam aleykum my dear brothers and sisters. It is so true that there is a lot of division among us muslims today, what a shame and pity. I as an British African who has been experienced immense first hand discrimination especially on these so called muslim marriage websites here in the UK. we might as well call them Asian marriage websites.and I am not generalising, but merely trying to highlight the vast divisions that are evident among us muslims. It shouldnt matter as my fellow brothers and sisters have previously mentioned what colour we marry, black, yellow, blue or whatever. what should really matter is how piuos, respectable, humble our prospective patners in deen and life are. inshallah may Allah (swt)shower us with his guidance.
Most of the discrimination I have come across in the muslim community in the UK is more pro-family (pro-tribe?) and not really anti any particular group. Especially regarding marriage. A relationship of “protocol” is maintained with Muslims outside the extended family and that’s it. This does not make it any less wrong, however. The desire to keep everything within the extended family is not a sunnah – we have been encouraged to marry “out” – and 1400 years ago it was a lot more difficult to so than it is today. This family / tribal / ethno centricity causes a lot of issues and leaves many Muslims feeling like strangers in their own back yards.
salam to all my sister and brother,
I strongly agree with Nabila, i am a mixed asian myself, and i feel that as a muslim we should be aware of how we behave,to be conscious of our action and speech,to discriminate people for its skin colour that is not islamic at all.
Regradless, of whatever the reason, deep down we are all human and its the taqwa that differentiates us amongst each other in the eye of Allah (swt)..
I would honourably and gladly marry an african brother, who is pious and practise Islam like The Prophet Muhammad saw
Assalaamualaykum,
I’m a African American Muslim revert & currently I’m in an relationship with an Somalian Muslim sister. I must say, her personality is so beautiful & we are very fond of one another. It seems like we have everything in common. Inshallah, I hope to marry her, however, I’m not sure how her parents would react being that some in this Ummah still adhere to blinding racist/nationalistic & tribal beliefs. I must say I am nervous, but I will stand my ground, because the bottom line is that the Sharia is the law, not one’s racist beliefs. Keep me in your Duas.
Salaams
I get so tired of seeing this as an issue amongst Muslims all over the world. Why is skin color an issue at all? Are we not all the same? Are we not all made as one species and as the human race? I just don’t get it but perhaps it’s because I was raised without prejudice as a Saudi woman in a Saudi family in Saudi Arabia. Don’t get me wrong, the KSA has many prejudices as you already know but no one around me even mentioned skin color in marriage or at all. When my sister married a Pakistani brother with brown skin…so what! When my cousin married an Indonesian brother with olive skin…so what! My family accepted them all because they were good Muslim men not because of their skin color. My sister and cousin are very happy women to this day. Now it’s my turn and I know that whomever my father and uncles choose for me that it will be because of his love for Allah(SWT) and NOT because of his skin color because I personally love all people and a Black husband who loves me and our children would make me just as happy as an Arab one! I know I am not in the norm from people I’ve met in the States but this is how my parents raised me to love Islam and its people and what skin color they were born with is just as beautiful as my own! One thing I saw very much was prejudice in Pakistani and Indian cultures amongst their own people, light or fair skinned versus brown or black skinned Indians. Shameful!! So it’s not just within race, but amongst countrymen as well! Sorry to go on and on I am just tired of this petty skin color prejudice that some people display. I love this article brother thank you!
salam,
i would marry anyone out of my race. i am Asian, but I could easily pass for a Middle Eastern because of my skin color. If the person is worthy enough and he has a good backround, then why not? Muhammad(saw) treated Bilal like a normal person. He didn’t discriminate them and he also gave Bilal the honorable role of reciting the adhaan. Masha ALLAH !!!
Was Salam,
Nabila
Salamaleikum,
An interesting topic mashaAllah. I, an african brother have had the missopportunity to have lost the perfect companion, who is also african but arabic speaking. the issue of racism, especially against black muslims is not a new one, but I cannot help but think, WHY make such a big concern about it? is it not enough to know that Allah banished satan for this crime?this is enough and must be enough consolation for one who practices for ALLAH only, and let go of the self pity, they won’t admit this, but many of those people actually LOVE dark skin, but opportunity has not smiled at them, and in the end… you have to allow for people to do their thing, if they don’t like a certain complexion, then let itbe their problem, not your inshAllah. personallyI have seen thebeauty of muslims even from within the arab and other communities, its just sad to see our own people follow satans idiotic principles so slavishly even when it has been reported in a sahih narration that ‘if you should hear someone bragging about lineage, tell them to bite onto their fathers penis, and do not be polite about it’ inshAllah, get on with life, Allah is only testing you, and stop complaining to the creation.. they can change nothing. Salamaleikum
Sickeningly in my neighbourhood when I was a young’un we’d get told darker coloured people shouldn’t marry paler skinned people for fear their children would be ‘half-caste’, as though that were a mutation… Racialists. I think I still have that term lodged in my head somewhere and it flutters forward when I see someone’s colouring similar to mine, beige’ish.
I don’t know; we have this difference in our eyes, perhaps copied & pasted from the devilish arrogance that colouring does matter, it does amount to something, but what?
Our cultures, families and society’s may label groups however but on an individual level we would have to stoop real low to let the design we were born with, completely out of our control, become a deciding or any factor at all into our marriage choices.
As-salaamu alaikoum
I would totally marry a black brother, but perhaps that is because I am a black sister
. I have been muslim for two years now, and am currently in my iddah of being divorced from my biracial husband (mom white, dad black, both converts mashaAllah).
I think he needs a woman like his mom, and that it does not have much to do with race.
But I wanted to add to the conversation; that it is even harder for black SISTERS to get married. Some sisters I know, darker than I, have been SHUT DOWN and told to their faces “you’re too dark” a’udhubillah!
I hear so many stories of AA A(African american)brothers who ship themselves to morocco and other places to find a “real muslim woman” as if the black american woman is not worthy of love. Men are always talking about having multiple wives not realizing that african american women, militant and aggressive as they claim us to be, are the MOST open to polygamy, and as a group african american muslims are the most polygamous in america hands down.
Perhaps these brothers have so many complaints because some of them carry their inferiority complexes into Islam and exchange white supremacy for arab supremacy, and then wonder why they get their feelings hurt when they are trying to marry everything but a sista (by sistA I mean a black girl, not a muslima which I would spell sistER)
I mean, I am all for inter-racial marriage, I would not have had my first husband if it weren’t for interracial marriage. But I’m not about it, if the basis is self hatred and racism on anyone’s part.
Asalaamu alaikum. I am an African Muslim. I must confessed I agreed with what this sister has said. First, generally Black women, whether AA or from the African Continent, are the most disadvantaged women in this part of the world. But the AA Muslim sisters is far worst when it comes to any other thing, especially marriage. Part of the fear probably lies in the believe that they are too assertive, and hostile to polygamy. But, there is also the fear that they would not like to go back to the continent. Short of this, they are loved by African Muslims and one of our dreams is to get married to them.
The issue of race in Islam is really a secondary issue. But the facts and reality on the ground makes it a serous and primary issue. Our Arab and other Asian brothers and sisters should search their souls of this issue. They should look and organise around the ways and manners Black Muslims are being treated in Arab countries generally. Even their attitude towards Blacks in West is really terrible, which is why you find Nigerian/Somalian, etc., building their Mosques, etc.
But, I am happy this issue is being discussed and for good for that matter. I pray ALLAH help us to solve our differences.
Assalamu alaikum,
This is an interesting topic. I am orginally from Somalia and I married an white American revert..my family were a bit hesitant in the beginning when I told them about wanting to marry this brother but Alhamdulillah they slowly started to accept him.
My younger sister however, just married a Jamaican brother a couple of weeks ago, without our parents blessings. Now my entire family has disowned her except me…subhanAllah.
I just wanted to let you know that white reverts have it lot easier finding a spouse in the muslim community then Afro-Americans or Afro-Carribeans.
Amongst the Somali community the dislike towards these brothers marrying their daughters is really bad. No one in my family has ever met my Jamaican brother inlaw yet…they never want to meet him audubillah. Very sad indeed.
I honestly think that muslim sisters need to put their foot down sometimes, especially when their parents come with such horrible rejections to another muslim because of their race ( in our case, it is a bit funny coz we are black too lol). Other wise, we will not get pass this.
Fatima
Salam alaykum sister.
MashaAllah may Allah grant you and your sister happiness in your spouses.
Just wondering if I could ask for a word of advice as I am currently in this situation. I am a somali sister and a revert who is half english and half jamaican is interested for my hand in marriage. I’ve told my mother but she has not favoured this choice, but I’m not willing to back down. Any advice on how I can get her to turn around?
JazakAllah,
Rayann
Comment 4
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Jamilah Kolocotronis
These last few days I’ve come across several discussions about race in the American ummah. I’m a white convert married to a Thai Muslim.
As the mother of sons I think about marriage. My oldest married a European sister whom he met while studying overseas. In the past when I’ve jokingly talked about my younger boys marrying some girl, some of the mothers have given me hard stares. This is especially true of South Asian Muslims, in my experience. I don’t know what girls my other boys will marry, and I don’t care as long as they are practicing Muslimahs.
These conversations are long overdue. I’ve been a Muslim for 28 years and for the first 20 years I tried to emulate the strict Arabic way of practice. Now I’m myself, and Islam adds to the richness to my identity.
These discussions will make us all stronger and healthier in the end.
Comment 3
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Aaminah Hernandez
Asalaamu alaikum. I am a Native American/Scots/Irish convert. My son is 3/4 NA but “passes” for white. He experiences a lot of discomfort and harrassment in the masjid because of his perceived ethnicity. He has always been open to girls and friends of all ethnicities, and hopes to marry relatively young, inshaAllah. This weekend he mentioned “liking” a girl he has seen in the masjid who he sees always in hijab and being very helpful. Unbeknownst to him, she is the Egyptian imam’s daughter. My first thought was that she will have high expectations as an imam’s daughter, but my second thought was that I don’t think my son would even be considered by her family anyway because we are converts and because of his ethnic make-up and our blending of Native culture with our Islam.
Of course it’s too early to worry too much about who he will marry, and what I most care about is that the girl be a good Muslimah. But I suspect that there is a higher chance of my son marrying a girl who is also “marginalized” because they may be the only ones willing to give him a chance. AlhamdulAllah for whatever the case may be.
I myself have married a fellow Native, a white man, a Mauritanian, and a Latino. I’ve also had serious discussions since being Muslim with a Sudanese, a Somali, and of course different converts of all backgrounds. I am absolutely not adverse to marrying an African American, African, or Afro-Carribean man. And it really saddens me that so many can say they wouldn’t even consider it. We do need to talk about these things. May Allah provide healing for these unnecessary rifts in our ummah.
Comment 2
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Pamela Taylor
It seems to me the issue of marriage is a good jumping off point.
I wonder how many Muslims would discriminate, say, in hiring a babysitter for their children or a contractor for yard work. Would we be more likely to hire an arab sister to watch the kids than an afroamerican one? Or a latino to do remodeling work? Or how about professionals… I know a lot ofpeople in our community go out of their way to frequent Muslim doctors or go to Muslim owned stores, does that include people whose background or race is different than your own? My suspicion is there is probably a certain level of discrimination across the boards.
Here are some comments that I have brought over from the old webhost for Brotherdash.com:
Comment 1
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Thank you for asking questions that too many of us are too uncomfortable to ask.
As a young woman from an African Arab country who was raised in a multicultural socity am faced with this very issue today. Adhering to what I believe is right and choosing a husband based on his character and belief in Islam regardless of his culture or how he came to Islam, versus adhering to my family’s prejudice views for the sake of pleasing them. I can only stand my ground and hope that one day they will come to appreciate him as I do.
I think it is time that Muslims stop using calls for equality as just words that sound good in a sermon or on TV and actually live their lives accordingly.
We complain about being marginalized in society, yet we do not acknowledge our own prejudice beliefs.
Thank you for starting this discussion and for you beautiful poetry.