Marriage Attitudes
An oft quoted saying from the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, is “Marriage is half of the religion”. One of the main points that Muslims take from the hadith that mentions this is how important marriage is for a person of faith. It is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life so marriage being ‘half of one’s religion’ is not hyperbole at all. Another hadith that is not quoted as often relates to who one should marry. The Prophet Muhammad was asked this question and he responded by saying that marrying someone for their piety is best (he mentioned that you can marry for other reasons as well but that piety was best). But in a complex world filled with many divisions on race, class, gender, ethnicity, language and culture the reality often times is in contradiction with the ideal. Moreover we must consider how we are socialized as far as ideas and images we have regarding marriage. While there are have been many lectures and several books on marriage in Islam it is rare to have frank and open discussions on how race and culture affect our decisions on who to marry. While certain ahadith are quoted, such as the ones above, what happens when it comes to a real decision? What do Muslims really think? I recently conducted two polls on my website, www.brotherdash.com, on marriage. The results are quite interesting.
The first poll conducted in the Spring of 2008 asked respondents if they would marry someone of another race or ethnicity. The responses are below:
Yes, Absolutely 50%
Probably Yes 21.2%
Yes, but not over my parent’s objections 16.9%
Perhaps 6.8% (removed this option in 2nd poll)
Probably not 3.4%
No way absolutely no 1.7%
The second poll conducted in the Summer of 2008 asked a more specific question and of females only. Would you marry an African-American or Afro-Carribean brother? The results are below:
Yes, Absolutely 52.5%
Probably Yes 9.3%
Yes, but not against my parent’s wishes 16.1%
Probably Not 12.7%
No, Absolutely Not 9.3%There were exactly 118 Respondents for each poll.
Anecdotally speaking many in the African-American community have suspected that the issue of “Blackness” is much more significant in marriage than we may pay lip service to. Many African-American Men have often complained amongst each other that Arab and South Asian Muslims would object to their daughters marrying them based on nothing but race not on Islamic knowledge nor perceived spirituality.
While no scientific studies have ever been conducted to confirm or reject this perception the data from the polls lends credence to these prevailing attitudes. What do the polls say when we compare them side by side? While we notice that there is some displeasure amongst a minority of Muslims regarding marriage outside of one’s culture or race it is much more noticeable when the race is specified to African-Americans and Afro-Caribbeans. Conversely however in both polls those who appear to have no concern over marrying outside of perceived race and culture are consistent whether the person is African-American or not. 53% would marry outside of their race/culture when race is unspecified and 50% would do so when African-American is specified. This is fairly close. You also notice this consistency when the respondent states that they would marry outside of their race as long as it was not against parental desire. But there is a glaring difference amongst the “probably nots”, and “absolutely nots.” The difference is huge. Only 5% of respondents said that they would probably not or absolutely not marry someone outside of their race in the 1st poll where race is UNSPECIFIED. But 22% said that they would probably not or absolutely not when the race is specified to marrying an African-American. What the data suggests is that when it comes to marrying a Black man there is not much middle ground and there is much more polarization around the issue. You are either very much for it or very much against it when it comes to “Blackness”.
There is some insight into the respondent’s feelings however. Some of the “no” respondents did send private emails and two of them were actually Women of African and Afro-Caribbean descent themselves. One of the Women discussed how she had a bad marriage with an African-American brother and thus would not marry another. The other respondent said that she was basing her “no” decision on what she has seen in her own personal experience in the community.
I believe that the community would find it to be interesting to have a more comprehensive forum surrounding relationships and gender attitudes amongst Muslims. On the more “pro” side many Women responded that what was most important to them was the brother’s faith, personality, drive or ambition. These are characteristics that are fairly universal desirable qualities in a mate. With such a difference between “no” responses where 5% said “no” with race unspecified (thus leaving the person to pick any race/ethnicity in their mind) and 22% said “no” when forced to pick African-American it begs to ask the question as to why this is not being discussed more in the Muslim community.
Brother Dash
Here are some comments that I have brought over from the old webhost for Brotherdash.com:
Comment 1
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Thank you for asking questions that too many of us are too uncomfortable to ask.
As a young woman from an African Arab country who was raised in a multicultural socity am faced with this very issue today. Adhering to what I believe is right and choosing a husband based on his character and belief in Islam regardless of his culture or how he came to Islam, versus adhering to my family’s prejudice views for the sake of pleasing them. I can only stand my ground and hope that one day they will come to appreciate him as I do.
I think it is time that Muslims stop using calls for equality as just words that sound good in a sermon or on TV and actually live their lives accordingly.
We complain about being marginalized in society, yet we do not acknowledge our own prejudice beliefs.
Thank you for starting this discussion and for you beautiful poetry.
Comment 2
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Pamela Taylor
It seems to me the issue of marriage is a good jumping off point.
I wonder how many Muslims would discriminate, say, in hiring a babysitter for their children or a contractor for yard work. Would we be more likely to hire an arab sister to watch the kids than an afroamerican one? Or a latino to do remodeling work? Or how about professionals… I know a lot ofpeople in our community go out of their way to frequent Muslim doctors or go to Muslim owned stores, does that include people whose background or race is different than your own? My suspicion is there is probably a certain level of discrimination across the boards.
Comment 3
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Aaminah Hernandez
Asalaamu alaikum. I am a Native American/Scots/Irish convert. My son is 3/4 NA but “passes” for white. He experiences a lot of discomfort and harrassment in the masjid because of his perceived ethnicity. He has always been open to girls and friends of all ethnicities, and hopes to marry relatively young, inshaAllah. This weekend he mentioned “liking” a girl he has seen in the masjid who he sees always in hijab and being very helpful. Unbeknownst to him, she is the Egyptian imam’s daughter. My first thought was that she will have high expectations as an imam’s daughter, but my second thought was that I don’t think my son would even be considered by her family anyway because we are converts and because of his ethnic make-up and our blending of Native culture with our Islam.
Of course it’s too early to worry too much about who he will marry, and what I most care about is that the girl be a good Muslimah. But I suspect that there is a higher chance of my son marrying a girl who is also “marginalized” because they may be the only ones willing to give him a chance. AlhamdulAllah for whatever the case may be.
I myself have married a fellow Native, a white man, a Mauritanian, and a Latino. I’ve also had serious discussions since being Muslim with a Sudanese, a Somali, and of course different converts of all backgrounds. I am absolutely not adverse to marrying an African American, African, or Afro-Carribean man. And it really saddens me that so many can say they wouldn’t even consider it. We do need to talk about these things. May Allah provide healing for these unnecessary rifts in our ummah.
Comment 4
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Jamilah Kolocotronis
These last few days I’ve come across several discussions about race in the American ummah. I’m a white convert married to a Thai Muslim.
As the mother of sons I think about marriage. My oldest married a European sister whom he met while studying overseas. In the past when I’ve jokingly talked about my younger boys marrying some girl, some of the mothers have given me hard stares. This is especially true of South Asian Muslims, in my experience. I don’t know what girls my other boys will marry, and I don’t care as long as they are practicing Muslimahs.
These conversations are long overdue. I’ve been a Muslim for 28 years and for the first 20 years I tried to emulate the strict Arabic way of practice. Now I’m myself, and Islam adds to the richness to my identity.
These discussions will make us all stronger and healthier in the end.
Assalamu alaikum,
This is an interesting topic. I am orginally from Somalia and I married an white American revert..my family were a bit hesitant in the beginning when I told them about wanting to marry this brother but Alhamdulillah they slowly started to accept him.
My younger sister however, just married a Jamaican brother a couple of weeks ago, without our parents blessings. Now my entire family has disowned her except me…subhanAllah.
I just wanted to let you know that white reverts have it lot easier finding a spouse in the muslim community then Afro-Americans or Afro-Carribeans.
Amongst the Somali community the dislike towards these brothers marrying their daughters is really bad. No one in my family has ever met my Jamaican brother inlaw yet…they never want to meet him audubillah. Very sad indeed.
I honestly think that muslim sisters need to put their foot down sometimes, especially when their parents come with such horrible rejections to another muslim because of their race ( in our case, it is a bit funny coz we are black too lol). Other wise, we will not get pass this.
Fatima
[...] of race) in our communities negatively contributing to this discussion. Reference the article: Marry A Black Muslim Brother? Muslim Marriage Attitudes Depend on Blackness. You have Arab/South Asian Muslims who have issues with Blackness. But you also have many Black [...]
As-salaamu alaikoum
I would totally marry a black brother, but perhaps that is because I am a black sister
. I have been muslim for two years now, and am currently in my iddah of being divorced from my biracial husband (mom white, dad black, both converts mashaAllah).
I think he needs a woman like his mom, and that it does not have much to do with race.
But I wanted to add to the conversation; that it is even harder for black SISTERS to get married. Some sisters I know, darker than I, have been SHUT DOWN and told to their faces “you’re too dark” a’udhubillah!
I hear so many stories of AA A(African american)brothers who ship themselves to morocco and other places to find a “real muslim woman” as if the black american woman is not worthy of love. Men are always talking about having multiple wives not realizing that african american women, militant and aggressive as they claim us to be, are the MOST open to polygamy, and as a group african american muslims are the most polygamous in america hands down.
Perhaps these brothers have so many complaints because some of them carry their inferiority complexes into Islam and exchange white supremacy for arab supremacy, and then wonder why they get their feelings hurt when they are trying to marry everything but a sista (by sistA I mean a black girl, not a muslima which I would spell sistER)
I mean, I am all for inter-racial marriage, I would not have had my first husband if it weren’t for interracial marriage. But I’m not about it, if the basis is self hatred and racism on anyone’s part.
Sickeningly in my neighbourhood when I was a young’un we’d get told darker coloured people shouldn’t marry paler skinned people for fear their children would be ‘half-caste’, as though that were a mutation… Racialists. I think I still have that term lodged in my head somewhere and it flutters forward when I see someone’s colouring similar to mine, beige’ish.
I don’t know; we have this difference in our eyes, perhaps copied & pasted from the devilish arrogance that colouring does matter, it does amount to something, but what?
Our cultures, families and society’s may label groups however but on an individual level we would have to stoop real low to let the design we were born with, completely out of our control, become a deciding or any factor at all into our marriage choices.
Salamaleikum,
An interesting topic mashaAllah. I, an african brother have had the missopportunity to have lost the perfect companion, who is also african but arabic speaking. the issue of racism, especially against black muslims is not a new one, but I cannot help but think, WHY make such a big concern about it? is it not enough to know that Allah banished satan for this crime?this is enough and must be enough consolation for one who practices for ALLAH only, and let go of the self pity, they won’t admit this, but many of those people actually LOVE dark skin, but opportunity has not smiled at them, and in the end… you have to allow for people to do their thing, if they don’t like a certain complexion, then let itbe their problem, not your inshAllah. personallyI have seen thebeauty of muslims even from within the arab and other communities, its just sad to see our own people follow satans idiotic principles so slavishly even when it has been reported in a sahih narration that ‘if you should hear someone bragging about lineage, tell them to bite onto their fathers penis, and do not be polite about it’ inshAllah, get on with life, Allah is only testing you, and stop complaining to the creation.. they can change nothing. Salamaleikum
salam,
i would marry anyone out of my race. i am Asian, but I could easily pass for a Middle Eastern because of my skin color. If the person is worthy enough and he has a good backround, then why not? Muhammad(saw) treated Bilal like a normal person. He didn’t discriminate them and he also gave Bilal the honorable role of reciting the adhaan. Masha ALLAH !!!
Was Salam,
Nabila
Salaams
I get so tired of seeing this as an issue amongst Muslims all over the world. Why is skin color an issue at all? Are we not all the same? Are we not all made as one species and as the human race? I just don’t get it but perhaps it’s because I was raised without prejudice as a Saudi woman in a Saudi family in Saudi Arabia. Don’t get me wrong, the KSA has many prejudices as you already know but no one around me even mentioned skin color in marriage or at all. When my sister married a Pakistani brother with brown skin…so what! When my cousin married an Indonesian brother with olive skin…so what! My family accepted them all because they were good Muslim men not because of their skin color. My sister and cousin are very happy women to this day. Now it’s my turn and I know that whomever my father and uncles choose for me that it will be because of his love for Allah(SWT) and NOT because of his skin color because I personally love all people and a Black husband who loves me and our children would make me just as happy as an Arab one! I know I am not in the norm from people I’ve met in the States but this is how my parents raised me to love Islam and its people and what skin color they were born with is just as beautiful as my own! One thing I saw very much was prejudice in Pakistani and Indian cultures amongst their own people, light or fair skinned versus brown or black skinned Indians. Shameful!! So it’s not just within race, but amongst countrymen as well! Sorry to go on and on I am just tired of this petty skin color prejudice that some people display. I love this article brother thank you!
Assalaamualaykum,
I’m a African American Muslim revert & currently I’m in an relationship with an Somalian Muslim sister. I must say, her personality is so beautiful & we are very fond of one another. It seems like we have everything in common. Inshallah, I hope to marry her, however, I’m not sure how her parents would react being that some in this Ummah still adhere to blinding racist/nationalistic & tribal beliefs. I must say I am nervous, but I will stand my ground, because the bottom line is that the Sharia is the law, not one’s racist beliefs. Keep me in your Duas.