Marriage Attitudes
An oft quoted saying from the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, is “Marriage is half of the religion”. One of the main points that Muslims take from the hadith that mentions this is how important marriage is for a person of faith. It is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life so marriage being ‘half of one’s religion’ is not hyperbole at all. Another hadith that is not quoted as often relates to who one should marry. The Prophet Muhammad was asked this question and he responded by saying that marrying someone for their piety is best (he mentioned that you can marry for other reasons as well but that piety was best). But in a complex world filled with many divisions on race, class, gender, ethnicity, language and culture the reality often times is in contradiction with the ideal. Moreover we must consider how we are socialized as far as ideas and images we have regarding marriage. While there are have been many lectures and several books on marriage in Islam it is rare to have frank and open discussions on how race and culture affect our decisions on who to marry. While certain ahadith are quoted, such as the ones above, what happens when it comes to a real decision? What do Muslims really think? I recently conducted two polls on my website, www.brotherdash.com, on marriage. The results are quite interesting.
The first poll conducted in the Spring of 2008 asked respondents if they would marry someone of another race or ethnicity. The responses are below:
Yes, Absolutely 50%
Probably Yes 21.2%
Yes, but not over my parent’s objections 16.9%
Perhaps 6.8% (removed this option in 2nd poll)
Probably not 3.4%
No way absolutely no 1.7%
The second poll conducted in the Summer of 2008 asked a more specific question and of females only. Would you marry an African-American or Afro-Carribean brother? The results are below:
Yes, Absolutely 52.5%
Probably Yes 9.3%
Yes, but not against my parent’s wishes 16.1%
Probably Not 12.7%
No, Absolutely Not 9.3%There were exactly 118 Respondents for each poll.
Anecdotally speaking many in the African-American community have suspected that the issue of “Blackness” is much more significant in marriage than we may pay lip service to. Many African-American Men have often complained amongst each other that Arab and South Asian Muslims would object to their daughters marrying them based on nothing but race not on Islamic knowledge nor perceived spirituality.
While no scientific studies have ever been conducted to confirm or reject this perception the data from the polls lends credence to these prevailing attitudes. What do the polls say when we compare them side by side? While we notice that there is some displeasure amongst a minority of Muslims regarding marriage outside of one’s culture or race it is much more noticeable when the race is specified to African-Americans and Afro-Caribbeans. Conversely however in both polls those who appear to have no concern over marrying outside of perceived race and culture are consistent whether the person is African-American or not. 53% would marry outside of their race/culture when race is unspecified and 50% would do so when African-American is specified. This is fairly close. You also notice this consistency when the respondent states that they would marry outside of their race as long as it was not against parental desire. But there is a glaring difference amongst the “probably nots”, and “absolutely nots.” The difference is huge. Only 5% of respondents said that they would probably not or absolutely not marry someone outside of their race in the 1st poll where race is UNSPECIFIED. But 22% said that they would probably not or absolutely not when the race is specified to marrying an African-American. What the data suggests is that when it comes to marrying a Black man there is not much middle ground and there is much more polarization around the issue. You are either very much for it or very much against it when it comes to “Blackness”.
There is some insight into the respondent’s feelings however. Some of the “no” respondents did send private emails and two of them were actually Women of African and Afro-Caribbean descent themselves. One of the Women discussed how she had a bad marriage with an African-American brother and thus would not marry another. The other respondent said that she was basing her “no” decision on what she has seen in her own personal experience in the community.
I believe that the community would find it to be interesting to have a more comprehensive forum surrounding relationships and gender attitudes amongst Muslims. On the more “pro” side many Women responded that what was most important to them was the brother’s faith, personality, drive or ambition. These are characteristics that are fairly universal desirable qualities in a mate. With such a difference between “no” responses where 5% said “no” with race unspecified (thus leaving the person to pick any race/ethnicity in their mind) and 22% said “no” when forced to pick African-American it begs to ask the question as to why this is not being discussed more in the Muslim community.
Brother Dash
Salam Brothers and Sister’s
I’m an Arabic girl born and raised in London, I have had 2 arranged marriages (Mashaallah) that my family arranged and I happy ended, in my world its culture before religion but they don’t admit that.. a they believe that Arabic should only marry there own, so we will not loose our roots.. It has got to the stage that I have completely stop caring I will marry what I like! and what I want!! being married to please other’s has to be the hardest thing any women can ever do.
The things is.. to be honest I’m not attracted to my own people , forgive me if you think I’m being rude.. but its true Arab men don’t love and they don’t know how too.. I have always been attractive to black men but their isn’t any Muslim brothers out there I have been on site and there is nothing.. and its difficult if you are a Muslim women that does’t go out much or is a home person.. what are you meant to do ? I must stress if People cant except your Man Or Women because of the color of their skin then just tell them to go back and read the Quran it’s Haram Full stop!!!!
Assalamualaikum Brother,
This is very good article. I am once fall in love with african muslim men during his study in my country. Even the period was short but is very significant to my life. He is good muslim for me, have strong islamic background and thats reason why i fall in love. But we dont get married after he went back to his country. My parent and family really likes him. There is no issue on race or skin color. We separated because of distance. But his family want him stay and married local woman. And he did.
For me, and should for other true muslims, should not discriminate people based on skin color or race, as long as he or she practice islam in proper ways.
That is great as long as Islamic values are observed….
Hi Hani…..that is great…what is your current status? are you married now?
Mashalah sister you realy touch my hearth.Am a muslim and i realy wanted to marry awhites muslim ladys but i feared though am amuslim they woul boost at me due to my race..i like the article of botherdash.i live in Kenya at aplace call moyale i wish ahappy Ramadhan kareem may you be among those who will get Lailatul Qadri
I would marry a revert in the uk
Insha’Allah, you all strengthen my dream and I’m happy 🙂
ASAWRWB to all Muslims across the globe…
this blog, caught my attention right away… I just want to tell my brothers and sisters to keep their head up, its not easy going against family but we must stand for truth, then we can change the world! May Allah SWT bless all Muslims with suitable spouses, Ameen!
I’m Ethiopian, we have tribal and ethnic prejudices, even amongst the Muslims…lol.:-/
My family is very open minded, Alhamdulillah!
With the permission of Allah, I am seeking my king, but our society is so conservative its hard to meet potentials…previously married with two kids. Educated, young Muslima, looking to find my other half. looking for a brother who like me, grew up in the west, so we can relate…loves Islam, and fears Allah. Brotha, if u out there, holla back!!
Bros and Sists, any place u like to direct me? much appreciated! Jazak Allah Khair 🙂
luvmydeen7@gmail.com
As Salaamu Alaikum to all of you. I can’t find a date for this discussion, so I’m not certain if this discussion is current or not. At any rate, this discussion ties in with startling information gleaned from several sites I visited this morning. I was directed to a link that dealt with the caste system that dominates the cultural mores of India and other Asian countries. Those of darker hues were relegated to the lower caste (Delits), I believe, and are doomed to remain in this human strata for as long as they live. Marrying outside of one’s caste is not tolerated and, in some instances, considered illegal. My heart went out to these beautiful people who are made to feel that they are “less than human” and “unworthy.”
A group of Muslim men indicated that this discrimination is found in all religions in India: Hinduism, Christianity and Islam. He stated that the Masjid was the only place where they are treated as equals; however, once they leave this sanctuary, they are treated as inferiors. I was both sad and angry as I watched these videos. What a revelation.
America still has some growing to do in this area, but it is heaven compared to India’s cultural problems. This series is covered in 4 videos. Here is the link to one of them. The others are found in the side bars.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7uNds7fmCE
My bf wants to marry me he was a libyan national, a muslim and I am a christian, he wants us to marry here in philippines a civil marriage but I dont kniw what was the requirement he wil need to show so he can marry me…
Why does he want a civil marriage and not an Islamic one? You could do both, you know. What about his family: have you seen or spoken to them, especially his parents? If not, I’d suggest you wise up. Any good man would want his family to meet the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
i am married to a black muslim revert of Caribbean origin. He is 18 years older than me. He is the most humble, loving and the best husband anyone could ask for. The race was a big issue and not the age( guess people can see race and not age) but my parents came around eventually, everybody is equal in Islam. I still get looks and double looks from strangers but im happy. Im of Pakistani origin
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Thanks for writing this and keeping the conversation.
It occurred to me how the answer to the specific question about marrying a Black Muslim brother would have been vastly different even more if you had also asked about different race or ethnicity to mean marry a white Muslim brother.
I would wager that MORE would have agreed to inter-racial marriage than revealed in the generic question different” race.
Thus there is a flip side to this and that is not just anti-black racism but pro-white nepotism. Just saying.
Thank you so much for your contribution Amina
As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu:
May this find you all in the Company of the Beloved. This subject is an interesting take on race and gender in Islam. It is not surprising that we see the responses to the question. It supports the fact that we suffer from the diseases of a larger social problem in America: Race/Class. It is magnified when “cultural nuance” is factored into the equation. Our immigrant community are victims of the American propaganda machine that paints African descendants negatively and how deeply these feelings run within the culture of origin. As an African American, I didn’t realize how widespread the negative “images” and distortions until Allah opened the Globe up to direct conversations. What is disseminated on the African American is “rapper, dope dealer, inferior intellect lacking ambitious, immodest etc etc. As African descendants we have work to do in reclaiming our Humanity from media outlets and telling our own stories.
Alhamdulillah. What a great discussion.
I would like to know why dark skinned muslimahs are generally overlooked as marriage prospects by immigrant muslim men in preference to caucasian women. In some cases, they even choose non-muslim caucasian women over (seemingly) pious muslimahs of darker hue for marriage. Above all, does Qur’an not say marry believing women?
Don’t get me wrong. Were it not for the worldwide pervasiveness of racism (yes, even amongst muslims) this would be no issue. The reality, however, is that the print and electronic media have promoted blond hair and blue eyes as the only standard of beauty (for generations). And sadly, many foreign muslim men have drunk the koolaid. The result is that a lot of
beautiful (african & african american) muslim women are left with no husbands.
Can any black African muslims answer this, as it concerns me? In my experience of my marriage and with his friends and family, why are the men so cold and detached with their women? Why is everything so segregated? Separate men and women? Is be that the men are actually not capable of relating to women? I have observed over the years of being with my husband (african muslim) that the scores of beautiful black african women who are just neglected. They look unloved, un nurtured and unfullfilled, it completely saddens me. Is there any such thing as companionship between husbands and wives in the african muslim culture?
For one, Black men are different from one another. Personality and ability to deal with women come from ones social upbringing, not being a black male. Black males are for the most part very passionate in relationships so I do not understand where we are so disconnected with our women.
As for African American Females, Well, to be real, I find my own women, aggressive, angry and un women like in relationships. I am sure this contributes to, many not all, black males looking outside of their race. Now with that sad, there are many great African American women that are top wife material. But to be real, they are getting harder to find.
Hi there, its been a while since I have accessed the forum but just want to share that I left my husband three weeks ago and have been bolted back into the 21st century from some bygone victorian era. I have just had three and a half years of oppression, neglect and financial abuse. Why do some Gambian muslim men come to this country. A country that has strived for equality and want to drag us back to the dark ages when women should obey and be oppressed. I would not mind but a muslim man’s wife is supposed to be above all. Come first, but do not ever see any evidence of that. I can not believe the hypocricy of it. Men who treat their women in such a way then think that praying and fasting makes them good muslims. NOW THAT IS BALDERDASH. So come on ladies who are in this. VLue yourselves, IT’S 2013.
let me squash all comments and negative views i am black carribean i am married to a indian sister had no problems at all and i had a very simple wedding no culture no nothing so anything is possible i guess i have just answerd all the questions
Asalamalaykum,
I am british Pakistani female married to a british jamaican male we are muslims i have faced racism from other muslims specialy pakistani community there was a point when a muslim brother saw me walking with my husband and tried to run me over with his car i thought subhanAllah you FOOL i had to move out of the city because of the cruelty from my own people i had to face it. Its been 5years i havent had any problems except of stares glaring at me lol.
Alhamudullillah
these ignorants do not know that Adam (drom arabic meaning black) was name “adam’ because he was black. True ismaelites and true israelites are black not indo-caucasians. All the 313 Prophets are black (but among the 124 000 Messengers they’re are indo-caucasians)
http://savethetruearabs.blogspot.ca
The Arab Crows (أغربة العرب) are the famous Arab poets of the past who were so dark-skinned that their color resembled the color of a crow. Some of the Arab Crows lived in Pre-Islamic times and others lived during the period between Pre-Islamic times and Islamic times. Ibn Mandhour says in his book Lisan Al-Arab that the Arab Crows are Antarah, Khafaf ibn Nadba from the tribe of Sulaym, Abu Umair ibn Al-Hubaab from the tribe of Sulaym, Sulaik ibn Sulaka, Hisham ibn Uqba ibn Abi Mu’eet, Abdellah ibn Khaazim from the tribe of Sulaym, Umair ibn Abu Umair ibn Al-Hubaab from the tribe of Sulaym, Hammaam ibn Mutarraf from the tribe of Taghlib, Muntashir ibn Wahb Al-Baahili, Matar ibn Awfaa Al-Mazini, Taabbata Sharra, and Al-Shanfara. Many people today make the mistake of assuming that since these “Arab Crows” are so black-skinned, they must be descended from “Africans”. For example, read what was said about Khaffaf ibn Nadba from the tribe of Sulaym:
قال خفاف بن ندبة – وهي أمه، وكانت حبشية…”
“…
“Khafaf the son of Nadba – and Nadba was an Ethiopian slave-girl – said…”
This is what they say about Khafaf’s mother, but the reality is his mother was a pure Arab from the tribe of Bani Al-Harith ibn Ka’ab. Ibn Sa’ad says in his book Al-Tabaqaat:
خفاف بن عمير
ابن الحارث بن شريد واسمه عمرو بن رباح بن يقظة بن عصية بن خفاف بن امرئ القيس بن بهثة بن سليم وكان شاعرا وهو الذي يقال له خفاف بن ندبة وهي أمة بها يعرف وهى ابنة الشيطان بن قنان سبية من بني الحارث بن كعب ويقال إن ندية كانت سوداء وشهد خفاف فتح مكة مع رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وكان معه لواء بني سليم الأخر.
“Khafaf the son of Umair the son of Al-Harith the son of Amru (Shuraid) the son of Rabbah the son of Yaqidha the son of Asiyya the son of Khafaf the son of Imr Al-Qais the son of Bahtha the son of Sulaym. He was a poet and was called Khafaf the son of Nadba and Nadba is a slave-girl and Khafaf was known by her. She (Nadba) is the daughter of Al-Shaytan the son of Qanan and she was captured from the tribe of Bani Al-Harith ibn Ka’ab. It is said that Nadba was black-skinned. Khafaf was present with the Prophet (SAWS) during the conquest of Mecca and he carried the flag of the tribe of Sulaym.”
Ibn Hajar says in his book Al-Isaaba Fi Tamyeez Al-Sahaaba:
خفاف بن عمير بن الحارث بن الشريد
بن رياح بن يقظة بن عصية بن خفاف بن امرئ القيس بن بهثة بن سليم وهو المعروف بابن ندبة بنون وهي أمه قال بن الكلبي شهد الفتح وكان معه لواء بني سليم وكان شاعرًا مشهورا وقال الأصمعي شهد حنينًا وثبت على إسلامه في الردة وبقي إلى زمن عمر وقال أبو عبيدة أغار الحارث بن الشريد يعني جد خفاف هذا على بني الحارث بن كعب فسبي ندبة فوهبها لابنه عمير فولدت له خفافا فنسب إليها قال المرزباني هي ندبة بنت أبان بن شيطان بن قنان بن سلمة.
Khafaf the son of Umair the son of Al-Harith the son of Shuraid the son of Rabbah the son of Yaqidha the son of Asiyya the son of Khafaf the
son of Imr Al-Qais the son of Bahtha the son of Sulaym. He was a famous poet. Al-Asma’ee said that he was present at the battle of Hunain and that he remained a Muslim during period of apostasy and he was still alive during the reign of Umar. Abu Ubayda said that Al-Harith the son of Shuraid – the grandfather of Khafaf – raided the tribe of Bani Al-Harith ibn Ka’ab and captured Nadba and gave her to his son Umair and she gave birth to Khafaf through Umair and Khafaf was called the son of Nadba. Al-Mirzbaani says that she is Nadba the daughter of Abaan the son of Al-Shaytan the son of Qanan the son of Salama. Bani Al-Harith ibn Ka’ab is a large Arab tribe and Al-Harith ibn Ka’ab is the son of Amru the son of ‘Illa the son of Khalid the son of Midhhaj.
Read what is said about another Arab Crow – Shanfara:
ويعني اسمه (غليظ الشفاه ) ، ويدل أن دماء حبشية كانت تجري فيه
“And his name means ‘thick-lipped’, which shows that Ethiopian blood ran through his veins.”
Read what another person said is a reason that he hopes that Al-Shanfara is not from the Arab tribe of Shihr:
انه كان اسودا ونحن جميعا لآدم ولا فضل لاحد على احد الا بالتقوى ولكنه كان كافرا وفوق هذا من اصول افريقية اما من ناحية الاب او الام والعرب ليس فيهم السواد الوارد في الشنفرى
“…Because he (Al-Shanfara) was black-skinned – we are all from Adam and no one is any better than the next except according to piety – but he was an unbeliever and to make matters worse, he was of African origin either from his father or from his mother and the Arabs are not black-skinned like Al-Shanfara was described”.
This is what they say about Al-Shanfara, but the truth of the matter is that his father was from the pure Arab tribe of Al-Azd and his mother was from the pure Arab tribe of Fahm. Read what Al-Shanfara said about himself:
“انا من خيار الحجر بيتاً ومنصباً ** وامي ابنة الاحرار لو تعرفينها”
“I am from the best of the clan of Hujr (a clan of the tribe of Al-Azd) in origin and status. And my mother is the daughter of the freemen – if you only knew her!”
There is also the Arab Crow Taabbata Sharra. His real name is Thaabi the son of Jaabir the son of Sufyan the son of ‘Umaythil the son of ‘Udayy the son of Ka’ab the son of Hazin the son of Tamim the son of Sa’ad the son of Fahm the son of Amru the son of Qais ‘Ailan the son of Mudar the son of Nizaar. His mother – Umayma – was from the Bani Qain branch of the Arab tribe of Fahm the son of Amru the son of Qais ‘Ailan the son of Mudar the son of Nizaar.
As you can see, Taabbata Sharra, too, was a pure Arab from the pure Arab tribe of Fahm.
posted by tariq berry at 8:50 am 18 comments:
Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia – The Pure-Blooded Quraishi
To get a better idea of what the Arabs of the past looked like, let’s take a close and careful look at the Prophet Mohamed’s (SAWS) descendant Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia the son of Abdellah the son of Al-Hasan the son of Al-Hasan the son of Ali the son of Abu Talib.
It is a known fact that Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia was a pure-blooded Arab from his father’s side and his mother’s side. This is why he was nick-named The Pure-Blooded Quraishi. This is why he said the following about himself:
“You know that no one has as close relations to or relations to anyone better than he whom I am very closely related to (meaning the Prophet Mohamed (SAWS))”.
What color would most people today expect a person who says such a thing to be? ِAl-Hafidh Al-Dhahabi says:
Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia was “black-skinned and huge”.
Al-Tabari says:
“Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia was tall, jet-black-skinned and huge. He was nick-named The Bituminous because of his blackness and Abu Ja’afar Al-Mansour used to call him Charcoal”.
Bear in mind that the person called The Bituminous and Charcoal was a pure-blooded Arab closely related to the Prophet Mohamed (SAWS). Remember that this person called The Bituminous and Charcoal said:
“You know that no one has as close relations to or relations to anyone better than he whom I am very closely related to (meaning the Prophet Mohamed (SAWS))”.
Bituminous means like bitumen. Take a look at the color of bitumen:
Bitumen
Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia was also called Charcoal. Here is the color of charcoal:
Charcoal
I believe that this should give readers a very clear picture of how dark-skinned Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia – the pure-blooded Arab direct descendant of the Prophet Mohamed (SAWS) was. Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia had a son named Al-Hasan. Ibn Hazim says:
“Al-Hasan (the son of Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia) was so black-skinned that he was nick-named The Father of the Tar. We all know how dark tar is.
That is the description of Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia the son of Abdellah the son of Al-Hasan the son of Al-Hasan the son of Ali the son of Abu Talib. That is the blackness of Mohamed Al-Nafs Al-Zakia, who said about himself:
“I am descended from the Prophet (SAWS) from my mother’s side AND my father’s side. I am the purest of Bani Hashim (the branch of Quraish that the Prophet Mohamed (SAWS) is from) in genealogy and the noblest of them both paternally AND maternally. NO NON-ARAB BLOOD RUNS THROUGH MY VEINS!
Doesn’t this say it all? I believe that this is the proof of all proofs that the original Arabs were a dark-skinned people.
Asalamalaykum Sister,
I am also a british pakistani female, I want to marry a british jamaican man, we are both muslim, i have firstly told my mother about this decision, who wasn’t happy to begin with as it goes against our culture but then came round after i explained he is muslim and it shouldn’t matter. But now see, whether or not my father likes to admit, he is very racist towards our black brothers, and every black person in general. Although I have known this about my father, I do not believe i should live my life staying away from black people simply because of my fathers ignorance. I plucked up the courage to tell my father about the marriage proposal and he flipped out on me going on about how he wont be able to face the community and the asian community will look down on him, but the way I see it, Allah is the only judge, and the only opinion you should be so deeply concerned about is his and his alone, and basically said if i go ahead with it he will disown me. Now this man I want to marry, has a past which he is not proud of, he has been to prison and thats where he first considered reverting alhamdulillah, but then did it a year after coming out of prison. He is not working at the moment, but works alongside his father until he finds something suitable, this is not an issue to me, I do not doubt that he will be able to look after me, but my father is also using that as an excuse to cover the real reason of his rejection. Also this man is of beautiful character, is a revert muslim, who has really bought me closer to my deen which i was far from, and I know this man would do all in his power to love and protect me for life. My father has no legitimate islamic ground on which to refuse my marriage. The only thing being is that he is Jamaican. Please could you share with me how you became to be married and if you faced the things I am facing now?
We don’t have to obey our parents in something that goes against Islam. If your father doesn’t want you to marry him because of is race or colour as he sees him as inferior, that goes against Islam. If everyone continues to obey their parents in this, or bow down to their pressure we won’t break this disgusting cycle. I am white English, I am NOT superior because I have lighter skin. Allah doesn’t judge us according to our skin colour which He chose for us, He judges us according to our actions.
Alhamdulillah and Allah will reward you…..marriage is good in Islam and the one who fear Allah SW will be rewarded
Hello,
I was looking for some more information due to marriage in Ginuea that I found this article.
In fact, I need to know more about muslim marriage culture over there.
i’m 31years old and my boy friend is the same. he is educated and grew up in Paris and currently we both live in Montréal.we are in love since 2011. I am muslim too. but he tells me that he is not able to get marry with me., because his father is going to find a wife for him and he has to accept. because it is their culture. i do not understand why. he should do whatever he wants in his life….. however he is no happy about that but he does not do anything to change this situation. i can not stop crying a day without him.
please advice.
thanks.
Actually your boyfriend is right on his side because he can not marry someone that his parents did not approve and this is in Islam. It is even narrated that the prophet told Abdullah ibn Omar ibn Al-Khattab to divorce his wife because his father (Omar) hated her. On the other hand it is also of Islamic teachings that no parent can force a certain wife on his child. To sum it all up, both of them must like you according to islamic teachings…And ALLAH knows best, may he forgive me if that was wrong
Actually the parents have a say in this, but if the son denies the proposition that the parents have and wants to mary the sister in the above comment, he can introduce her. Then they cannot deny her on the basis of her national background, and if they do, he is allowed to mary her without their conscent of course only if it is a must, and the person intended to marry has their deen correct.
ok im African woman born on american soil(african american if YOU prefer).muslimah 20 years now alhumdulilah.previously married before to African american muslim as well as one from northern sudan.I also have muslim children by them.Through those experiences I learned alot and most important about myself.we are all different in our make-up.I was raised knowing my heritage(by a christan/pan-africanist mother who was and is no joke may Allah guide her to Islam ameen).I was not compatible with the Black men in regards to mutual heart felt romantic love.family was and is extremely important to me but unfortunately these men had no fathers uncles or strong male figures in their lives which affected their ideas of parenting in a negative way.I believe in my heart the the image AND KNOWLEDGE of Prophet Muhammed saaws was the closest to a positive male role model they could get to(which is the best)but then there’s issues of baggage i.e trauma.I have been married to a brother from Morocco for going on 6 years now alhumdulilah.I think inshaAllah it’s safe to say I met my match by Allah’s permission.
So what’s the problem if somebody’s not marrying you coz of your race/color?
Why not accept it .Race is a fact of life!
It is not a problem if you don’t want to marry someone from another race as you just don’t generally find their physical racial features or colour attractive, but if you don’t marry them because you see them as inferior because of their race that is a problem and haram.
Salamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah,
I believe this study also shows how polarized the attitude towards blacks is; I don’t remember meeting a person who was just in the middle regarding blacks.
But Alhamdulillah; Its a blessing its polarized. Only the people of sound heart and faith would marry you. So it would be easier for you to get a pious muslima. 🙂
Asalaamu Alaikum,
I am british somali muslim, i want to marry an arab muslim woman. Samoora i agree with you. But not only arab have majority of racism also south asian have it as well such as pakistan, india and bangladesh etc. That annoyed me lots though. I believe the righteous people who follow Islam completely so they wouldn’t doing like that because they fear of Allah! Subhanallaah!
Sallam Alaykum Brothers and Sisters,
We all know how hard it is to get Married at these times especially when people take up cultural practices and mix them with Islam! Take a look at what restrictions some parents place on a person in terms of Wealth, Status and now Race. Sometimes if your not from the same village as your potential wife/husband or your not from the same tribe then you cant marry them! This has no basis in Islam and only seeks to divide us!
If your seriously looking for marriage then please check out the site and e-mail to discuss anything.
http://www.singleblackmuslim.com
admin@singleblackmuslim.com
I am a white muslim revert 7 years and am waiting for my last talaq. I am an educated professional muslimah and when I re-marry I am looking for a black brother. I love black and white and it is enhanced by understanding of my religion a sunni muslimah, where do people ge off bringing this ignorance of race into what isthe most anti-racist religion.
Jazakumllau khayran!!
Good thinking Jazaki-ALLAH-khayran… but I believe that the most anti-racist way of thinking is to completely ignore the fact of race that it is not in your calculations
i am a mixed brother half portuguese and half creol , looking for a converted white sister , i have tryed african american before but i think a lot of them have issues .
Assalam alaykum one and all,
Lavender 45, just to let you know that in accordance with the Quran there is only one talaq and a waiting period of three cycles.
If he takes you back and you cannot live in harmony and he pronounces talaq again, then that is the second talaq.
Jzk may Allah ta’ala make it easy for you, ameen.
It happens in a lot of cultures, some are fortunate to be blessed with supportive families, but others, will have or have experienced the racism when it comes to marriage.. I know there’ll be an issue, if I come home and say I wish to marry someone that is not Bengali.. It’s disappointing, especially after the families watch and listen to islamic lectures about marriage and racism etc.. and agree with scholars but when it comes to their own child…it’s a No No… I guess we got it same in the UK
Salmu Aluykoum, I totally agree with you. I am 28 year muslim arab, grew up in a religious household. My parents are constantly listening to lectures, reading quran, etc. I met a great African american muslim who I plan to spend the rest of life with. My family rejected him in the ugliest way. I am shocked that they incorporated Islam in denying him. Arabs muslims are racist and I will go against my parents wishes and marry him because I can’t live in their ignorance all under the name of Islam.
relax and do your duty.
Fitnah is a sin and seems like everyone loves it!!!
asSalaamu ‘alaykum,
First of all, let me offer all of y’all who have suffered because of this issue my condolences. The amount of discrepancy between Islaam and Muslims is the amount of nifaaq in our umma.
What would you say if I told you I am an African-American, and that I got married IN Pakistan? It’s 100% true. I had an arranged marriage in Pakistan to a girl I’d never met.
There’s hope…
http://strangemarriage.wordpress.com
Why not just stick with black women? Or are not attractive enough? Are they too much too handle?
Think of what ur kids will look like. They will most certainly not be accepted by the womens side.
ASA I don’t believe it’s quite that simple sometimes and I don’t believe it’s that we are not attractive to them but they are entitled to freedom of choice.ya Allah.why not marry a woman of Arab or East Asian decsent .or why not marry an African woman ,someone who isnt creolized by birth(African born on American soil)?I don’t see the real problem.If they are satisfied with each others deen and he strives to take care of her …what’s the problem?Please Brothers ,let’s stop this discrimination with the Creole African men born on american soil and African men period and let your daughters choose (after all ,it’s sunnah).He will strive to live up to the expectations of his wife and want to please her bcs she is who he chose.may Allah move our hearts.ameen
Salam!
With all due respect that is repulsive train of thought. I mean you no disrespect but who are you or anyone else to stamp this retard unspoken law that a Black man should marry a black or a Paki to a Paki or an Arab to Arab and so on!!! It’s ignorance and it is exactly the mentality that is dividing and restricting our Ummah from progressing forward. I am a Muslim(black) shouldn’t be respected or judged for what my heart and Allah has chosen for me. The only requirements for marriage should be those that Islam has decreed for us, wealth, family status, beauty and Piety. There is no discrimination in Islam a Black is no different from an Arab and vise versa. I pray that Allah will open our minds and hearths to view each other as Muslims, brothers and sisters in Islam and not an Arab, Paki, Asian or black. Allah knows best.
I’ve been to the Punjab more than you, and my children and me are accepted just fine.
“Why not stick to black women?” Pakistanis and Indians are the blackest people on the planet, so who’s to say I haven’t?
Get a clue, and a life…
i am married to a black gambian muslim and am having difficulty whereby i feel my husband is actually racist but would never admit it. he completely disguards me where his family, friends an relatives are concerned. he shows no loyalty to me in any way. he doesn’t include me in his life socially, except on rare occassions. he contrributes nothing fianancually to our household except occasskionally minimally. he never has any monbey even though he works (or appears) to work every hour god sends. he says he loves me but i feel he just pays me lip service. he will not allow me to air my feelings or views without walkinjg out on me or putting down the phone, I feel in an impossible situation. I am at a complete loss about what to do. i get information from internet about how muslim men should treat their wives but he ridicules this even though he claims to be a devout muslim. Is this usual behaviour for an african muslim because i never get validation as he keeps me from speaking to anyone about it.
It is not the usual behavior of African Muslims, I think its your husbands personal failure and he has violated a very basic principle of Islam and the African culture as well.
I understand Tracey more than anyone. I just left my marriage of almost 5 years to an African American. I have been an idiot to stay that long. I forgive and forget toooooo much. I got wrong advice also because most want me to give my life to the husband. And as I had no where to go, I came back after I left. Like many African American Muslims, he is committed to Islam and ALLAH SWT. But these men take women for granted that we should be willingly hold the position of WIFE regardless of how empty our lives become. The marriage is not about us, only about him. He the master, he man who wears the pants, and the angel who is piously co no wrong. My husband favourite phrase is SHUT YOUR MOUTH! and I DONT GIVE A DAMN! But hey, h regularly visits the mosque and popularly known as a well-mannered Muslim brother among the Muslim community.
The problem with black men, if anyone wants to know is that they are more likely than other men, to huge difference in PERSONALITY and CHARACTER. You are immatured if you dont know what I’m talking about.
ASA, Sis Tracey, I’ve seen this behavior time and time again. I hate to tell you this, he maybe using you. And married in his country depending on his age. He don’t want you to meet his family because he just trying to get his green card (citizenship). American women are always use by them in this manner. But Most of them want deal with African American men because they don’t mean the black women no good. We are easy picking for their games. They usually pay someone for these type of ticks and games and hidden secrets. Our African people are bigger game players than us. Speak with Allah, about him and remember a women is just a women to them and they really don’t respect African American women anyway. Because we sleep around to much they say, and that’s true. Peace and Love.
I am sorry to hear that as i am a gambian myself. I am mixed race and my mother was never treated this way by my dad. They are the best of friends, and my mother makes most of the decisions. Like someone said before, he is the problem. Ask him why he married you? he is just an irresponsible man, who does not respect/love you (sorry!)
I really feel bad for you. I have found the men there in the Gambia to be the same. I was having one such man in my life and he is so very much the same as the man you describle. He tells me very little and treats me in such a way I feel he is using me. He had lttle or no thougts of me…is always all about him He is the most selfish individual I have ever met in my entire life. He acts independently of me. He never reveals he is going away until same day and expects me to alway undertands his wants and needs and to basically obey him. he is a hypocrite and he can treat me so poorly as in using very foul language on me and then go and pray! This really irks me and I cannot help when this happens to think what a hypocrite he is…he acts kind of crazy to me. I wish I could talk to you about this. I am in a mess being with this man and it has been thus far a 2 yr relationship built on lies and deceit. I need my head examined being with this person. He is black, he is Gambian and he is a practising Muslim. He acts like he is a tin god. His father having four wives and so many children that he cannot afford to feed . Is all my money keeping this man. I think he is just using me and as I said I need my head examined but in my mind and heart I still love this person. I need help. No one should have such a person as he is so rude to me and it is all about him…I make all the sacrifices and do everything for this person. He shows little affection…just when he wants something is all.
Am a gambian and am ashamed to say that this is the reality that most European women face in the hands of my gambian brothers. I know for a fact that it is mostly to get residency in europe or US than real love. Most always come back home to marry a Gambian girl. I have few male friends that i know for a fact that love their white wives. I dont know what it is about us but we generally stick together. I for one wont mind marrying a white as long as he is honest, faithful and a pious muslim. Am sorry u have to face all this but i pray God gives u a good man who loves you.
AA
I agree with most of what has already been said, I am Asian,born educated married divorced….I would like to add age as another predjudice in our community.This predjudice comes mainly from females as well as males.
asalam aleikum.i am an african brother and i intend to marry an arab sister.half her family have accepted but the rest are stl against it.any advice
WS inshaAllah brother the rest will come around.if not alhumdulilah that’s between them and their Lord.at least you will be with your sweet wife inshaAllah.
assalamu aliakum brother if you and the sister have agreeded to be married dont let the fact that some of her family doesnt agree with it stop you from getting married. ALLAH has said in the quran “o mankind! we created you from a single soul, male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, so that you may come to know one another. truly, the most honoured of you in gods sight is the greatest of you in piety. god is all-knowing, all-aware”(quran 49:13) racism is as old as mankind it was here even before mankind stepped his foot on mother earth starting with the satan. even though ALLAH(SWT) and even our beloved messenger muhammand (pbh) said that no one is better than another because of the color of their skin only on the bases of how god fearing they are many do not follow the true message of islam. we must still remember people are still people reguardless of if they call themselves muslims this doesnt make them true believers and they miss the true message of islam its not about the physical but rather the spiritual. i am an african american muslim man 41 married to an arab woman from morocco who is 36 we just had a beautiful baby girl. her family accepted me but i cant lie and say i havent seen or still dont see racism towards us but we know what ALLAH(swt) and our messenger has said and dont let it bother us.
Hi,
I am an Arab Muslim woman and I like a Nigerian Muslim Man who has all the qualities I am looking for in a man including piety.
He wants to come over to propose for marriage, we are currently in two different countries. I am with my family and he is in Dubai where we first met.
However, unfortunately when I told my parents that he wants to come and meet them, they got so furious and spoke to me as if I have committed a sin. My dad told me that I am (Shath) which is an Arabic work for weird, strange, out of the ordinary. I felt so wronged. When I read the Quran further and read topics related to this I found myself to have done nothing wrong whilst on the contrary it was my parents that are saying things against what Islam teaches us.
I was extremely shocked of their reaction as I thought they are extremely pious but I was wrong.
He is coming to propose in two months time even though I had told him my parents idea of him but he knows that I will fight to marry him as I dont think its easy to find a mate that matches an individual so much every other day. I have known him for 3 years and he has been asking me for marriage for three years till i finally accepted and now I have my parents blocking the way to my happiness.
Now I am scared, frightened and dont know how it will end. But my main fears is that I will lose my parents for ever…because I do not agree with their decision of not marrying him because he is Nigerian and for no other reason whatsoever as they want me to marry an Arab Muslim.
Would going against my parents will and marrying him be a sin, would I have committed a sin against Islam…..what should I do?
Asalamu Alikum:
sister Mona I’m also a 21 arabic Muslim girl, and I want to marry an African American muslim guy, but I was just like you very surprised of my family’s reaction.
The guy is not only black, but also divorced and has 2 kids. and as you know this is so not accepted in our society.
please sister Mona, can you tell me more about your expriance, and what do you advice me to do?
If you want to marry anyman, especially divorced man, you have a lot of fact checks. Like why he divorced, does he has “baggage” of problems like child support, bad credit, his job stability, what his other possible of career if he got fired. His other family if they are intrusive people. Also how matchy of your lifestyle to his lifestyles. After I got married, my husband made me cry so many times, beginning just about silly matters, like when I dress long blouse with pants and lose blouse with lose skirt. He shouted at me as if I am not good Muslim. Also he espect me to jump make wudu immediately after azan, and when I was busy cleaning house and pending prayer after I complete and take shower, he shouted at me like I am a very bad Muslim and that I try to avoid prayer. He also complained about my cooking which he said he prefers SOUL FOOD with lots of Walmart seasoning!
They can be dangeously possessive and if you plan to divorce, your only chance is to escape first without telling him.
totally irrelevant and non supportive .let’s try to stay positive and help each other work through this as sisters and brothers please.sisters make du’aa to Allah some serious du’aa .that He swt move the hearts of your parents and open them up to acceptance through Qur’an and sunnah of nabi Muhammed saaws.ameen
In Islam, it says that the Parent’s blessings and approval is pivotal in marriage.But I feel that no parent should be racially prejudiced as long as the person ur marrying is a good, religous and financially stable Muslim. What is important for you is to be attracted to ur partner. Ur parents racism has nothing to do with Islam and everything to do with their personal preference and cultural upbringing.In Arab culture, since Pagan times, most of the slaves were black.Islam changed that. But cultural attachment’s die hard. Enlighten ur parents abt the qualities of a good, religious, sincere man and tell them that in Islam there is no room for parents to disapprove of spouses based on their race as long as the person is pious, hardworking and good. Introduce the man to them.Interaction will surely help things.Ur fiance should also be very humble and respectful towards ur parents.Tell them to interact with him.If they still dont agree and be biased against him just for his race, I’ll have to say they are not good Muslims.
Just for everybody to understand that GOOD MUSLIM and GOOD HUSBAND in reality of life are 2 different things.
I vote that my husband is a good Muslim up to where he has learnt and try to practice.
I can also vote that he is a good husband but with limititation as he DONT GIVE A DAMN about the feelings of his wife feels, requirements, her emotions, etc
The Imam will be on my husband side and only a true wise person, will be on my side to understand.
Enough said, I am not saying to avoid marrying black man, but women, you got to do a lot of screening so you dont be crying as you never before.
with all due respect sister ,that’s with anyone.
Not true, most of the slaves in Arabia where not black!
Most of the slaves shipped across the Atlantic ocean into the Americas, were black yes.
In Arabia and especially ancient Arabia, slavery was not connected to skin colour. Slaves came from all ethnic groups, and the Arabs themselves come in all shades from the deepest darkest brown to light olive skin colour.
I think people have this opinion like Imran, because they make assumptions and compare slavery with the recent west African slave trade.
I think the western world and white supremacy has indeed tainted people of darker complexions for a few centuries now. No wonder there is so much racism within the Ummah, it;s nothing but ignorance.
But remember this, when you understand that poverty and being despised because of it bring you closer to jannah if you are patient. Poverty is something often attributed with dark skinned peoples. Humans however like wealth and power, something often attributed to white skin in the modern era.
This was actually different in the very ancient world, and things would have been vice versa, with dark skinned peoples on top.
It’s all a magnificent and intricate test from Allah!
well said brother.well said.
Salam,
The Arab slave trade was indeed made up of Black people, anybody who’ll deny that is ignoring obvious facts.
This ideology hasn’t vanished from the Arab community since then.
It was in North Africa that the slave trade was made up of Whites (whoever was captured at the time by the Amazigh and Turks, would be made slave).
Anyhow, I find some African American men just fine, would happily marry one.
sister Mona, what u should do is enlightening ur parents about islam, and that racial discrimination is haram, and that piousness of the man and knowledge of his religion is more important than his race and that Bilal(RA) the african married an arab woman and approved by the Prophet (PBUH).
and if u failed to convince them, try to make a sheikh to convince them better.
assalamu aliakum sister you will not be going against the teachings of islam to marry this brother, if he is a praticing muslim and you a practing muslimah and you have agreeded to marry and are happy with each other then you should marry it is not you who are in the wrong its your parents and if they feel this way then it may be that they are not really pious or true believers. i hate to say it but there is a problem of racism even in islam. i am an african american muslim man and my wife is an arab muslim woman from morocco
OMG Muna, I felt the same. I told my parents about wanting to marry a black muslim and that he was coming over to ask for my hand. My family called me ” dirty” for wanting to marry a black. I am so shocked by them. They cried, screamed, and fainted all because I told them I want to marry a black. They told me that I am sinner to have looked at a man. Ever since what they said to me, I can’t believe their faith in Islam. Allah created us equal!! I am going to marry him. I am educated and can be on my own. I love my parents but something inside my heart broke for them and I can’t live in their ignorance.
Lala you are very right because we are supposed to consider Islam first before anything….go ahead
I have come to find out it’s not all light skinned ppl. that is racist,my boyfriend is african muslim and I am a white american,well as we have got closer to talking about marriage he doesnt want to mention it to his family that we are talking marriage,I guess because I’m not a black muslim I love him and he loves me I think this is the only thing that should matter,but no they want him to come bck. to Senegal and marry a black muslim,???does this make sense ,not to me?racism isnt only in the white or light skinned community
Some of my African Muslim friends have married White Muslims against their parents’ wishes, and got loads of issues down the road. Most of them have cut contact with their families because of it.
As a Muslim myself, I do think African Muslims parents somehow carry this trait more than anybody else, they rarely approve of these unions.
That’s cultural baggages for ya I guess…
Everyone’s racist in a way or another.
I am North African, and would never marry a South East Asian man, however I’d consider any other ethnicity lol.
Good luck.
Good Blog and Good article.
My favorite quote is:
“All people are equal as the teeth of a comb,There is no virtue, (nothing better or superior)over an Arab over an non-Arab, a white over a colored, except by the fear of Allah.
http://www.habibimatrimonials.com/m/articles/view/Convert-and-not-welcomed-in-the-Muslim-family
I feel very sad disclosing what i’m about to reveal but it’s been bothering me . Racism is not just with in Arabs or light skinned people; however, i noticed that most black people are prejudiced againt their own color.
My family is sadly is one example of this. I’m from north Sudan, and although we are light in color,WE ARE STILL BLACK. My family somehow thinks that any one darker than us is not good enough….and wait for it, the reason is even more bizarre….they’re against my sister and I marrying a black person, because the kids won’t be cute!!!! This is actually very disturbing for me to even write down, it’s embarrassing, and shameful to be a part of a family that thinks this way. I have tried to open their minds, but somehow they always manage to write me off by saying that i changed in America!!!!!
In terms of my view, my concern is about the person’s deen , morals, educational background, some one that has substance, and if he happens to be Black then so be it.
Asalamualaikum, I am a Canadian – Pakistani Muslim woman who will be marrying a Black West – Indian brother, my parents are extremely supportive:)
Salaam aleikoum everyone!
I am an Arab (Lebanese) and it is very true— well I am sure most of you already know–that majority of Arabs ARE RACIST (when it comes to marriage, mostly).
I become so upset with Arabs that most of the time, I don’t like to interact with them. I feel way more comfortable interacting with African Americans/Blacks any day! I am not sure if it has to do with me being raised in a predominantly black neighborhood, but I am actually searching to marry an African American/Black Muslim man because I am sick and tired of the cultural barriers. I refuse–REFUSE===REFUSE to marry an Arab.
It’s so sad, but very true! Where the brothers at???
achooou@aol.com
Salam sister, your are very much correct. Islamic studies have revealed that the first sin in the beginning of human race was committed by shaitan. He was racist toward humans; believing he was greater. Humans now adopt this same evil attribute. It will be judged by Allah.
Walaikum assalam. When people are racist within Islam it has nothing to do with Islam its their own human nature which is very hard to change. Plz dont marry a person because he is black or because u are rebelling against ur parents and community. Parent’s blessings are of utmost importance in solemnizing marriage in Islam. Choose a person who is pious, religious, hardworking,humble and sincere in life.Dont run after any particular race. Enlighten ur community and parents on the teachings of Islam where there is no room for racism and interracial marriage is completely fine as long as the person has the above mentioned qualities and you love him.I’m sure they will understand.If they still dont you can get an Imam, or Ulema to perform the rites of marriage after explaining him the circumstances as to why you didnt get ur parent’s approval. Islam has a solution to everything.
Sallam Alaykum Brothers and Sisters!
Often people make it hard to get married on themselves! With all their restrictions and requirements, they’ve already narrowed down their selection of Marriage Potentials as they’ve excluded some good Brothers and Sisters.
I checked out the website that some one posted in the comments below http://www.SingleBlackMuslim.com
I admire the efforts of the Brothers and Sisters who set it up since anything to help Muslims complete half their deen is welcomed! Inshallah Taa’ala it helps out others aswell!
Walaykum Sallam