Year of Man

The Prophet Muhammad is reported to have said that one’s youth ends at the age of 40. Similarly The Quran states:

“And We have enjoined upon man to do good to his parents. His mother carried him with difficulty and delivered him with difficulty. And his carrying and his weaning is (in) thirty months, until when he attains maturity and reaches forty years….” –Chapter 46:15 (Al-Ahqaf)

I had always assumed that this rather specific number of 40 was allegorical. But in my case it most certainly was the age of forty. And as I come upon my 41st year on this planet I can reflect upon the past twelve months with more than just a degree of insightful introspection or even casual observation. I can more than simply ponder and wonder. I can affirm. I can attest. I can categorically and emphatically state that my 40th year was the the year I became…Man.

Past

I have grown more as a person in this past year than I have in the previous 22 years combined. I say previous 22 because in this society you are told that at 18 you are an adult or in my case specifically…a man. But I was really still just a boy. A mature boy by most standards…a boy with intellect, strength, ambition, a degree of kindness for sure but still a boy. And that boy had some unresolved issues from both childhood and young adulthood. These unresolved issues are not excuses for adult behaviors but they are important to explore and understand if one is to make significant changes in one’s life because the past affects that which comes after. But life does not afford us much “time” does it? Life is always moving. You have school, bills, wants, needs, family, a future to plan for and in my case even a new religion. All of these things came into play and largely all at the same time. And for the next almost 2 decades I managed to course through life in ways that can be described as “extremely well” to “horribly bad” and all points in between. In all of those cases I was affected by my actions even when I thought I was not. And in most cases those around me, especially those closest to me were affected both positively and adversely. And to this day I regret and lament the pain and hurt I caused others to suffer…others I love with a depth and profundity they cannot fathom.  But this cyber brief is not my tall glass of ale; I am not sitting on the bar stool nor are you the bartender with the casually attentive yet non-judgmental ear. This is actually a story of encouragement for you. Because ultimately that is why you are still reading this isn’t it? “What does this have to do with my life?” you may ask. Well it has alot to do with you. And I shall tell you soon but indulge me a tad longer.

Honesty

I am someone many people thought “had it all together.” I am intelligent, articulate, have a great sense-of-humor, a good conversationalist, am a good friend, someone that can be relied upon, a good worker, extremely creative, ambitious, strong, a good father (so they tell me), in great shape physically, in good spiritual health…heck even had some modest notoriety amongst my co-religionists and others for my artistic pursuits. But all of that doesn’t matter if “you are not honest with who you are”. At the end of the day…you will literally be in that ground all by yourself. You will be alone. So you had better get right with yourself now while you still have the opportunity. And not just for yourself but for others. You have much to offer this needy world. You are a unique individual. There was no you before you and there will be no you after you. You are the last of your kind. You are basically an endangered species that is certain to become extinct. But you can leave your mark on this world. You can bless this place with the very best of you. But the only way to truly do that is to first bless YOURSELF with the truth of who you are. It is only by embracing that truth that you can begin to scrub away the muck and mire and allow that beautiful you to shine. People are naturally drawn to light. And you will be much happier by shining your light within. But you can’t do so if you do not first take a brutal and unflinching look at your own crap. It is what I did and that is why I am the best I have ever been and by God’s will I will continue to get better and better. You can do the same. And you will be amazed at what you can achieve. Whatever struggles, issues, proclivities you may have that is taking you away from being a light you can address if you choose to. But the first step must be self-truth. How can you start this process?

Year of Man-The Ugly in The Mirror

Well several things helped me but one step was to stop “always doing what I did and hoping for a different result”. At a certain point you have to simply say “Stop”. And for me it was stopping a mindset…stopping a pattern of looking at a situation the same way and that basically means to take ownership of the YOU in YOUR situation. Perhaps you are like I was… “oh it’s this situation that causing this, it’s his/her attitude that’s causing this, it’s the job, it’s my finances, it’s my boss, it’s the crazies at the mosque, it’s the, it’s the, it’s the.” No it’s me! The constant in all of my issues or circumstances was me. This is not to say you are never an innocent bystander in your situation but you always have a choice at least as to whether you will remain fixed as life moves.  I had to change my attitude and it started with taking a brutal look at myself. Forget everyone else. You can’t control how others think, what they choose to see, and what they do. But you do control how YOU contribute to your current state of affairs. And in order to do that you have to be really honest. You have to look in the mirror and stop averting your eyes from the ugly. So I did a self-inventory. I actually wrote down all of my significant actions, mistakes, sins whatever you want to call them of my so-called adult years. When I looked at them I was shocked and horrified. I mean I scared my own self! It became even more powerful when I read them to myself over and over. By doing so I took the first step of ownership of my actions by acknowledging their very existence in a SPECIFIC as opposed to the general “I have my faults” kind of way. The second thing I did was I talked to God. I had and continue to have vocal conversations with my Lord. I speak out loud as opposed to just myself. I have found this to have had a more potent effect on me and on the seriousness of my sins, my requests or my laments. Saying them out loud seemed to give them more weight. I could hear not just my own internal voice. I could then feel the reverberations. You can do the same.

Moving Forward- The Ethical Me

This past year I feel as though I became a more dignified man. As I enter my 41st year I have less worry about my “dark” self versus my “light” self. There is a saying attributed to the Prophet Muhammad that I will paraphrase “If God allowed what you do in private to become public then the stench of your sins would be so foul that no one would bury you.” I have endeavored to be consistent and more importantly consistently good…honest…and ethical at all times.  I don’t want there to be a significant difference between my “hidden” self and the self I show the world. I am not foolish enough to believe we will all be the same in public as we are in private. We are humans. We will sin. We will make mistakes. Our goal should be to make those as minor as possible and to be forthright with others…to be ethical. People are basically good. You are basically good. At your core you are a good person and you MUST believe that because you will go through life with people openly challenging that truism, berating you, ridiculing you and frankly TELLING you that you are not a good person. But that is a belief that will not help you shine your own light. It will only add more muck. Yes embrace the truths. Embrace the ugly ones but don’t ever let that cause you to conclude that you ARE ugly and that is all you will ever be.

You have to be able to see and own your failings, your actions, the hurt and pain you have caused others without it defining you. Your past does not define your present and your present does not predict your future. You can rise above the worst of you to become the very best of you. But that can’t start until you stop excusing your own behaviors and intentions. This is why an “inventory of sin” for lack of a better word may be of benefit to you. In this way you can confront yourself. You are not as good as you think you are but you are probably not as bad as they say you are. There is always hope. And that hope comes from holding onto the rope that ties you to He that created you. Ultimately it is what helped me. And how do you hold onto that rope especially if you are not particularly “religious” or subscribe to “organized religion”? God is God and The Creator will listen to anyone that reaches out to Him with sincerity. Just talk to God. Ask for help and assistance. Verbalize it. And then go about helping yourself. Self-honesty is a beautiful thing. It opens up treasures you did not know you had within you. Perhaps in another post I can be more specific but speaking personally I did not know for example the capacity for love and giving that was within me until this past year. Until I started to actually love with vulnerability and give freely I did not realize how beautifully rewarding it was to my own soul. It was its own reward. I didn’t need acknowledgement, praise or thanks. And it became easier and easier which only comes from God because I was truly trying. He made it easy. This can be your reality as well.

Love Steps

So this post is not really about me. I don’t need to share my personal story with the world. I derive no worldly benefit unless you consider a few likes and comments as a benefit. If you do then that is something that you need to work on (the need for outside validation). I share this because perhaps it may benefit YOU. Perhaps you will have your own year of becoming the best of you. Perhaps you will begin to become the woman or man you were always meant to be. For my part this journey continues…I have not arrived. My path is a long and probably a winding one. But it’s mine…alone.  I walk it with a smile of cautious contentment. And when I really think about it I am not really alone on this road am I? The One is with me. And He is with you. Now start stepping and while you’re at it…start loving.