Marriage Attitudes
An oft quoted saying from the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, is “Marriage is half of the religion”. One of the main points that Muslims take from the hadith that mentions this is how important marriage is for a person of faith. It is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life so marriage being ‘half of one’s religion’ is not hyperbole at all. Another hadith that is not quoted as often relates to who one should marry. The Prophet Muhammad was asked this question and he responded by saying that marrying someone for their piety is best (he mentioned that you can marry for other reasons as well but that piety was best). But in a complex world filled with many divisions on race, class, gender, ethnicity, language and culture the reality often times is in contradiction with the ideal. Moreover we must consider how we are socialized as far as ideas and images we have regarding marriage. While there are have been many lectures and several books on marriage in Islam it is rare to have frank and open discussions on how race and culture affect our decisions on who to marry. While certain ahadith are quoted, such as the ones above, what happens when it comes to a real decision? What do Muslims really think? I recently conducted two polls on my website, www.brotherdash.com, on marriage. The results are quite interesting.
The first poll conducted in the Spring of 2008 asked respondents if they would marry someone of another race or ethnicity. The responses are below:
Yes, Absolutely 50%
Probably Yes 21.2%
Yes, but not over my parent’s objections 16.9%
Perhaps 6.8% (removed this option in 2nd poll)
Probably not 3.4%
No way absolutely no 1.7%
The second poll conducted in the Summer of 2008 asked a more specific question and of females only. Would you marry an African-American or Afro-Carribean brother? The results are below:
Yes, Absolutely 52.5%
Probably Yes 9.3%
Yes, but not against my parent’s wishes 16.1%
Probably Not 12.7%
No, Absolutely Not 9.3%There were exactly 118 Respondents for each poll.
Anecdotally speaking many in the African-American community have suspected that the issue of “Blackness” is much more significant in marriage than we may pay lip service to. Many African-American Men have often complained amongst each other that Arab and South Asian Muslims would object to their daughters marrying them based on nothing but race not on Islamic knowledge nor perceived spirituality.
While no scientific studies have ever been conducted to confirm or reject this perception the data from the polls lends credence to these prevailing attitudes. What do the polls say when we compare them side by side? While we notice that there is some displeasure amongst a minority of Muslims regarding marriage outside of one’s culture or race it is much more noticeable when the race is specified to African-Americans and Afro-Caribbeans. Conversely however in both polls those who appear to have no concern over marrying outside of perceived race and culture are consistent whether the person is African-American or not. 53% would marry outside of their race/culture when race is unspecified and 50% would do so when African-American is specified. This is fairly close. You also notice this consistency when the respondent states that they would marry outside of their race as long as it was not against parental desire. But there is a glaring difference amongst the “probably nots”, and “absolutely nots.” The difference is huge. Only 5% of respondents said that they would probably not or absolutely not marry someone outside of their race in the 1st poll where race is UNSPECIFIED. But 22% said that they would probably not or absolutely not when the race is specified to marrying an African-American. What the data suggests is that when it comes to marrying a Black man there is not much middle ground and there is much more polarization around the issue. You are either very much for it or very much against it when it comes to “Blackness”.
There is some insight into the respondent’s feelings however. Some of the “no” respondents did send private emails and two of them were actually Women of African and Afro-Caribbean descent themselves. One of the Women discussed how she had a bad marriage with an African-American brother and thus would not marry another. The other respondent said that she was basing her “no” decision on what she has seen in her own personal experience in the community.
I believe that the community would find it to be interesting to have a more comprehensive forum surrounding relationships and gender attitudes amongst Muslims. On the more “pro” side many Women responded that what was most important to them was the brother’s faith, personality, drive or ambition. These are characteristics that are fairly universal desirable qualities in a mate. With such a difference between “no” responses where 5% said “no” with race unspecified (thus leaving the person to pick any race/ethnicity in their mind) and 22% said “no” when forced to pick African-American it begs to ask the question as to why this is not being discussed more in the Muslim community.
Brother Dash
alslam alikom warahmato Allah brakato
I think that depends on the persons thoughts and the way they have been raised. I’m eritrean, and I don’t care about the race as long as he’s Muslim and have a good character and attitude. For me I wish to marry An American man and I prefer the African American perhaps because I’m African too.
I think that depends on the persons thoughts and the way they have been raised. I’m eritrean, and I don’t care about the race as long as he’s Muslim and have a good character and attitude. For me I wish to marry An American man and I prefer the African American perhaps because I’m African too
asalamu alaikum!
i just read ur comment on this article, and i wanted to say that i honestly agree with u.
im also Eritrean as well. my name is wujdan, n im muslim. and i was hoping to marry an African American guy as well. my parents disagree and want me to marry an Eritrean man. but im glad to know that thus article shows that there are racist muslims, and pass their opinions off as islamic “facts”..
there is no racism in islam just racist muslims.
http://themeritoriousattainment.blogspot.com/2011/05/racism-and-islam.html
Asalam aleikum,i find this topic quite interesting.Am a black muslim-convert sister originally from Saint Lucia,but born and living in the uk.I got married to a somali brother 3years ago,and there was a lot of negative energy going on between our families.I dont really believe it was anything to do with race,but i believe the reason was me being a christian before and having a relationship with this somali brother(now my husband) for 5yrears before marriage is what caused his family’s hatred towards me.Wasalam.
subhanallah sister. read my story, i also married a soamli
http://themeritoriousattainment.blogspot.com/2011/05/married-to-somali.html
Asalam aleikum,
To my view most of Arabs are racial secretive toward black African, I thought Islam could be a link between mankind as it advocates for love, unity and passionate among Muslims and humanity in general.
I can take Tanzania as a good example most of Arabs Muslims they don’t want their sisters or daughters to married to black African. As a black African I don’t get any different between Arabs –Muslims with other non-Muslims this makes me sometime to hate Arabs than even non-believers because they share the same views.
Where are teachings of beloved prophet Muhammad s.a.w??? What is the different between Muslims Arabs and non-believers? Sometime non-believers are good than Arabs…its sad fact. Its HIM (ALLAH) who created all human races equal there is superiority among races. The teachings of Beloved Prophet Muhammad prohibited slavery and slave trade but after the death of Him and other 4 successors Khaliphers (Muslims Arabs and Europeans Christians) they enslaved Africans.
To be honest most of races think black race is inferior, including most of Muslim- Arabs still have this this believes. My friend reported to be to have been insulted in public places in Egypt because of his skin colour, I have been living in UK for more than 6 months I never been insulted because of my coulour….
Salam.
I am a Nigerian, and I must tell,the problems are same. I am the only hijabi in my family. About to be 23 yrs of age,and been wanting to get married since i was 20.
The truth is that, if we try to feel the pains of our parents,esp our mothers,we’ll understand their plight. But we shouldn’t 4get that we’re muslims and we have guidelines. Race is not a condition,and we should try make our parents see it. Marrying someone from another ethnicity,or race is not a problem,but the brothers in question. I met a Ghanian,intended marrying him,only to realise that he never loved me,only wanted a bed mate. Same goes for an Australian brother, who is half German and quater Bosnian.
I pray Allah helps us see beyond our noses. Amin
There isn’t really anything to discuss. Everyone is entitled to marry a partner that is appealing to them. It’s not racism to want to marry someone from your own culture, it’s just preference. If black brothers want to get married, they should marry black sisters. There, problem resolved.
Asian communities have their own issues anyways. They don’t even except each other (people from their own culture) because of the colour of their skin, let alone people outside of their culture. Now that’s racism! If people just prefer to marry someone from their own culture, regardless of colour, what’s wrong with that?!
As a beautiful black sister, I have not problem with proposals from brothers of many different backgrounds. I get many proposals, but the sad thing is that looks are sooooo important to brothers in general. How many brothers would consider a sister who is beautiful without deen, but wouldn’t consider a religious sister who isn’t very attraction? I would appreciate it if brothers weren’t so concerned about my looks, and were attracted to me for me. “Deen is far more important than beauty”… Now that’s a discussion worth having.
The truth of the matter is that beauty transcends all difference. It doesn’t matter what colour you are, as long as you are very attractive, then finding a partner is easy. Anyhow, who would want to marry a black man who doesn’t want to marry his own?!
With that said, my parents (like many) prefer that I marry someone of African origin. I found someone who I felt was perfect for me and we were engaged for a year, but my parents wouldn’t allow us to get married, because he was Arab and not African.
Any black African brothers interested can find me on singlemuslim.com username: Mu5limah_
Mu5limah the problem is that from what I see living here in Mauritania is that they always want to marry black women. However, when it comes to a black man marring one of theirs then the problem comes in.
Salaam alaykym.
Alhamduliah i reverted one and a half yrs ago and have been considering brothers for marriage for at least 9 months of that time. One definate observation (being of caribbean desent) is that either my race is a big positive or a big negative (either way subject to stereotypes). I honestly dont prefer any race in attractiveness but ive seen that i am not the norm…. I never have felt that im being considered irrelevant of my race. Being a black revert from christian background people should see it as a positive not a negative but unfortuneately a lot of racism under the guise of tradition is used as an excuse. As long as your values are compatible WHICH SHOULD BE BASED ON QURAN AND SUNNAH who cares about food? lol subhanAllah. Teach your wife what food you like to eat…. Or teach your husband your native language.
Its not rocket science…. Just plain old racism.
If any brothers based in london would like to consider me for marriage, contact me via email inshaAllah and i’ll forward my pic and walis details! ummiman55@googlemail.com
How on earth can we complain about people seeing us as “other” when we adopt these attitudes even amongst ourselves?
Allahu Akbar: Yes Allah Is The greatest And Will Bless Us To Over Come Our Problem Of Racism. Many Of Our Muslim Brothers And Sisters Are Not Aware Of The Historical Roots And Origins of Racism among us. Many Muslim Believers Know Very Little About The History and Origin Of Our Wonderful Religion Al Islam, Where in We Will Also Find the Roots And Origins Of Muslim Racism. How Can You Practice A Religion When You Know Little Or Nothing About It’s Origin Or Its Roots. For Example Who What And When, That Being Who Did What And When Did they Do It. Racism comes From Lies And Ignorance, And The Usurpation Of Power,Even the Theft of A Peoples Identity.
The Primary Root Of Racism Is Slavery, As The Word Abd Implies Slave. To this Very Day Black Arabs And black Aficans Are Refered To As Abd’s Or Slaves, This Is A Stigmatization Rooted in The disobediance To the Teachings Of The Holy Prophet Muhammad Peace BE UPON HIM AND PROLIFERATED THROUGH OUT THE wHOLE Of Al Islam By Way Of A False Hadith, other than The Holy Quran. It Was Prophet Muhammad Who Taught The First Believers Not To take Free People As Slaves, Only Prisoners Of war Were To Be Taken. It Was The Crazed Mamulukes, Or Turkisk Converts, History Will Also Condeme the ottoman Turks For Their Horrible Corruptions, ceaseless Distruction Of Black Culture And civilization Thuough Out The Middile East And Africa. Every califphate after The Fourth Califphate Disobede The Holy Prophet By Enslaving Free Black Men And Women, By traficing In slavery Which The Holy Prophet Expressly Forbid. I Speak English But This Does Not Make Black me
An Englishman. We All Must Come To Know And Understand caucations who speak Arabic Are not Arabs, That Just Because A Person Speaks Arabic Does Not Make Them An Arab, They Are Mulatos. Here is Where The Racism Entered Our Al Islam. It Was The Diferences Between the Belivers that Shattan Was Able To Use To Decieve These Pale immigrants. Also The Decision Not To Take Mamolukes (Turkish Slaves) as slaves anymore At that Time because of A terrible Slave Revolt By These Turkish Slave which Resulted In Horrific lose of life of Slaves And Nonslaves. After This the European Muslims began Openly Taking Black People As Slaves where ever They Could Find Us. It Was The Holy Prophet Who Took Their Caucasion Ancestors Word Of Faith In Al Islam At The Advent Of The Retaking Of Egypt. The Holy Prophet
Incorpoated Many Thousands Of Europeans Into His Armies At The Taking Of Egypt, And The betrayal By these Same Hypocrites Shortly After The Death Of The Holy Prophets. It Was By The Usurpation Of The Leadership In The Islamic Community At That Time
Thru Assination Of The Fourth Califphate By Elements within the community Which used Al Islam To Shield Their Greedy intention to enrich Themselves thru taking Millions Of Free Black People Into Slavery To Enrich Themselves In The Name Of Al Islam. In Doing These Terrible Things They Destroyed Many Black Civilizatios And Took Credit For Many black accomplishments That Do Not Belong To them. May Allah Punish These False Muslims For All That They Have Done. Even To this Day They Seek To Use Al Islam As A Sheild To Hide Their True Intentions From the World, And the Believers, How Can The Believers Understand Their Religion When they Know Nothing But How To Pray, In India Hundreds Of Millions Of Muslims And Non Muslims Cannot Even Read And Write. How Can An Illiterate Mind Grow Into the devine? When So Many Hundreds Of Millions Of Muslims intelectually stumble In the Dark, And Can Neither See Forward Or Backwards, One Can Understand How Something As Sick And Discusting As Racism can thrive In A Religion As Noble As Al Islam. The Primary Basis Of Racism Is Slavery, And It’s Weapon Is The Lie, To Decieve People And Use Them To Enrich The Slavemaster. But The Most Evil Of These Slavemasters Are The Ones Who Use Al Islam To Shield These Vile And Vicious Acts Against Human Beings. ALLAHU AKBAR
Salams
Yeh! there’s loads of madness going on in the Ummah. I truly believe that the revert muslims – especially the black brothers and sisters need to organise and do something to help themselves. We can’t keep on depending on other Muslim groups (South Asians, Arabs, Somali etc) to help us find marriage partners – after all – do they have any special knowledge or ability to find partners for us reverts/Black Muslims??? The answer’s NO!
Think about it? How would they know how to find husbands and wives in communities that are almost totally foreign to them? Why should we be expecting them to do this for us – while we sit around and do what equates to zero? It makes no sense at all! We (Afrikan American/Afrikan Caribbean etc.) Muslims need to start taking full responsibility for this situation.
My Black Muslim brothers & sisters, ask yourself this, how have YOU being trying to establish Muslim community Organisations, that will have the potential to subsequently assist with marriage within our own specific Muslim communities? Most of us (I believe) don’t really do anything in a structured, organised manner, aimed at building something for ourselves. We will ‘cuss’ when things don’t happen – and ‘cuss’ when things do happen, just like children. It’s a complete embarrasment.
There’s been Caribbean Muslim converts in Leicester, UK (where I live) for 25 to 30 years. Upto today, there is absolutely NOTHING to show for all of those years. Other groups have come to the City, (Turkish, Somali, Arab etc.) and have established valuable resources for their own communities, that provide for their unique cultural requirements e.g., language, in a fraction of the time.
All the Caribbean Muslims seem to do is try to ‘latch on’ to the successes and resources of these other Muslim groups – but then get upset when they are not wholly welcomed by those groups. It’s our own fault. We should’ve done something to help ourselves.
I think that although alot of us have reverted to Islam, we still have the ‘Willie Lynch mentality’ firmly intact. Please check out the possibility of this view point. If you don’t know about it, check out ‘let’s make a slave’ by Willy Lynch. It may help us to recognise the types of mind set that has been affecting us – and what’s going to keep us back – unless we tackle and overcome it.
Allah helps those who help themselves – but he doesn’t help those who do not help themselves.
Stay strong brother man.
Wa salam.
Salam everyone,
i find that racism when it comes to marriage it matters with every race not just the Arabs or South Asian people. I am half African American but i have been raised among Palestinians, Jordanians..etc I’ve basically adopted their culturr as my own and when i go among the African American sommunities they treat me as though i have abandoned half of my roots, It is always easier to connect with people who share your culture so thats why in the Arab community many girls marry Arabs or half-Arabs. Inshallah i hope one day we can all look past race in marriage but until then we the youth must look past race/colour/ethnicity and must strive to follow the prophet S
This issue is prevalent within the ummah. People dont marry muslims of different races because they see them as lower class or inferior! This problem stems from the class system where if your lighter your seen as better than a dark skin person. We need to get out of this Jahiliyah metality and accept people of different races! Often its the parents who are stuck in their ways so its up to the children (Us) to take a stand and help to change things for the future Generation.
I came across this site as I was searching on Google, inshallah it helps out you brothers and sisters looking for a life partner!
http://www.SingleBlackMuslim.com
Thanks Brother Dash for such an informed article, Jazakallah!
A Salam wa Alaikom
I believe it is very simple, people tend to marry with in their culture because they share many things like language and food and custom. It is normal to want to stay in one group.
Another thing that must be considered is that the negative coverage that people of African descet receive from the global media. Whether on the TV, history books, and newspaper.
About myself I was born in jamaica and moved to America when I was 18Yrs old. I was a Christian but one day I began to question every thing about the Christain religion and decided not to go back to church. I prayed to Allah (swt) to show me the way and if I was lost it wasnt my fault. Alhamdullah within 3 days I met a young girl from KSA living in Virginia. We would right each other and talk about Shakespeare and other stories, then suddenly she told me she could not talk to me any more because 1. I am guy 2. I am not even a Muslim. So, I decided to read about Islam just to be able to answer her queries she would put to me, but I could not believe it I found what I was looking for. I became a Muslim, but I had to tell her good bye because I know that I was not going to marry her and it is haram to be messing around with my Muslim sister if her parents would not agree to it. (I would not interlope, it is haram. The girl think withher heart but as a man I had to do the right thing.
Three years later after graduating from college my best friend who is Egyptian got me his cousin to marry from Egypt. I went and meet all the families and a nice wedding in Egypt. We have four children with all the families happy.
The point is, if the parents dont want you in the family, leave the man daughter alone. If you are real practicing Muslim you would not mess with something that was not given to you. Before I did ask a couple girls from the Middle East for marriage and the answer was always yes, but the parents answer was no, so guess what I left the girl alone.
Another thing how many of you brothers are finacially secure and have secondary education? Many parents want their kids to be well off. Only a stupid man would give his daughter away to any one especially from a different background. That is just my 2 cents.
Salam
Salaams. I am a tv producer for an Islamic channel based in London. I am working on a documentary about inter-racial marriages within the Muslim community. I am searching for a mixed couple, who are bound by Islam, despite other differences and their effects. If you are such a couple and are willing to share your story, please get in touch with me through my email sakina.datoo@gmail.com. Thanks.
dear Brothers and Sisters,
Why do black men always seek to marry outside their race? Would a Pakistani or Indian man start this thread about wanting to marry a black woman? Probably not. As a Black Muslim, I’d marry a woman of any race, but let’s be real here. Many black brothers see marrying a woman of another race as a step up for them. Unfortunately, these races often see it as a step down for their daughters.
Exactly brother, I feel the same way. When I started noticing how many single african american sisters I knew versus how many african american men I saw married to women of other ethnicities I was completely embarrassed for the community. The ignorance was so apparent. Just because these brothers discovered Islam does not mean they are enlightened. And these same brothers are always going around talking about the “black community”, racism, and so on failing to realize their mixed race kids will probably prefer to marry someone like their mothers (who are not black) and their descendants will barely have any “black” genes on down the line. And then when they see me (a beautiful black women) they always want to stop and stare. I wish I could tell them to go on home to that dry women you married. I have no respect for them at all.
Love see’s no color.yes black men want to marry white women.if they think your so beautiful why didnt they marry a black sister like you?dry woman?please racist ass comments..black people are just as racist..I’m a white american in love marrying a black african muslim…pls.ppl.lets see past color and race god made us all<3
Salam bros and sistas
my parents completely refused my marraige to my husband based on his blackness!!!!
i still married him after leaving my home as they planned to make my life hell, stop my education and send me to my country of origin, (im british), yes this is what was in for me , just because i asked whether i could marry the brother and that he is black.
he converted to Islam and changed his western ways and has a good heart, with my parents support we could have been an example to the world. without them involved, i have felt left alone and sad half the time but happy that i have him as a husband.
I am not black , i am bengali and look like any muslim women , mu husband is full black from africa and we are expecting a baby girl.
i tried many times to reconcile with my asain family , they refuse, they want me to divorce my husband and marry a bengali just because hes black and they want bengali grandchildren, they didnt bother to meet him or even come to our Nikah muslim contract, we didnt have the Waalima as yet because of not being able to invite my side of the family
however i have met his family and they are non muslims, they are absolutely wonderful and accept us,
for my life i have to always wonder is it wrong to marry somone just coz they are black????
i have a racist family and on that basis they have cut ties with me, and gave me one choice only, divorce him and your accepted gaain.
i dont agree with the sister about all african men being like thier stigmas, yes there are some, but on the basis of colour , that is haraam.
Sister. I am a tv producer for an Islamic channel. I am working on a documentary about Inter-racial marriages within the Muslim community. I would very much like to chat to you about your experience. I would really appreciate if you can get in touch with me through my email sakina.datoo@gmail.com. Thanks.
I came across this page by accident and found it very interesting and people have raised some good points.
I agree that there is a lot of racism within the South Asian community. It’s not just against people of a different race but also against people within the community. When it comes to marriage people are so nit picky it makes it difficult to meet someone.
South Asians look at skin colour/weight/age/money/profession! Looks are so important to them!
The older the female is the harder it is to get married!
I’m finding it even harder since I’m 30 and on top of that I’m unable to have children as I have been diagnosed with Pre-mature menopause so I don’t stand a chance!
People mix change religion to suit them, Islam teaches us to be accepting & fair to all regardless of race/colour etc etc but unfortunately people mix culture and their backward thinking into it.
Brother Dash brings to the forefront a question I ask myself and have put forth to my community, “Why do Arab Muslims forbid their daughters to marry black Muslims?” or anyone who is black, for that matter. As an American Palestinian, born and raised in the states, the answer is quite simple. Arabs, not unlike other minority groups, are racist. My immigrant parents came to the U.S in 1961, at the tail ends of the Civil Rights Movement. They did not identify with the oppressed minority and did not join the majority either. What they did do, was live in a time machine that kept them suspended in a very traditional culture—which eventually became tainted with American racist attitudes. In other words, they adopted the racial discourse in diaspora, based on their geo-political location and situation—intermeshing it into the already lagging and dangerous symptom of Arab patriarchal culture.
It is my opinion that our mosques are also very segregated; there are no “bridges” in Muslim America. Also, Muslims that do not attend faith based services also ail from the symptom of racism, based on the same American racism they have sadly embraced. (Arabs here are my target, as African Americans understand the implications of institutionalized racism through the black experience in America) We have essentially created bubbles of Islamic communities that draw, like magnets, Muslims divided by their ethnic and “imagined” national affiliations and more so by skin color. What we need, as Muslims and a human family is to create paths to eventually bridge these divides. As Dash has stated, there is little or no dialogue on this issue, of blackness and marriage, and of a lot of things for that matter. In the Arab community as well as other diverse Muslim communities, there must be a direct confrontation with the social issues that plague us.
It is exclusive to say that this racial divide is only prevalent in Arab Muslim communities; it is also quite common among Arab Christians as well. In the Arab Christian context, women have been able to marry non-Arab Christians, but they have been overwhelmingly white. It is not a new phenomenon, early Arab immigrants were in fact predominantly Christian and were quite intent on assimilating into a majority white, racist America.
Whether it is interracial marriage, gender based abuse and inequalities (both men and women), equal access to education, sex, racism, homosexuality or women’s rights—we need to create a dialogue starting in our own communities, face and address the real issues, which unfortunately are placed on back burners for political movements. Yes, Muslims have been the object of a rather heavy handed Western discourse of demonization and it is something that needs to be addressed, as has been—by grassroots organizing and activism. The question is, when and who is going to clean our own house? We have inadvertently handed over this task to a political machine and fueled our own demise. The media has taken our social ills and hung them out to dry by perpetuating stereotypes that we know do not represent Islam, but we also tend to deny that these issues exist, explaining i.e “they are isolated incidents or they happen in pockets here and there.” Let there be political and knowledge based initiatives, but let us not forget the sisters and brothers who continue to struggle with very human problems found amongst all populations.
We have to be our own agents of change. And let us start in our own homes. I have two young boys, one 15 and one 10, both are well aware of the many hats I wear because it is my duty as a mother to expose them to the multi-faceted struggles of being a woman, a woman of color, an Arab, a Palestinian, a Muslim and add on to all those, American. My parents would never have accepted a marriage based on my right to choose or my innate right to be human and to love. Instead, they instilled in me a fear of doing the right thing, bringing honor to their name and to our village. Yes, I have suffered many an indignity by allowing their constraints to guide me in the so-called “righteous” path. But please, don’t be disillusioned, I am an agent of change; I used the limited choices given me to be a voice for those who have none. In my community, I was known as the “strong willed” one, the one you didn’t let your daughter, wife or children befriend. Still, I was able to renegotiate these old attitudes for a more progressive stance and I continue to work in my community as a mentor and as an alternative say to what is acceptable and what is not. My work has involved bringing together diverse and marginalized communities under one roof.
Honesty, has to be the weapon of choice, once we face the monsters that haunt us, then and only then can we begin to draw a new world, where, yes, an Arab sister will be able to “Marry a Black Muslim Brother” and yes, without a question mark.
Assalamualikum found this site interesting as all black people are going through this problem i wont ever bother firstly with south asian muslims as they will only marry there daughters within that community so just leave it be and move on from my own expirences i have discoverd rascism predjudice muslim looking down on me everywhere this issue is horrible and sometimes i feel i want to leave islam due to culture practices all i can say is pray for a miracle as where i am from south asians are everywhere and i got no chance as for black carribeans there are none why is there some much un unity when it comes to marriage and division all i know is allah will not change and condition of a people unless they change them selves i realy feel for mixed race converts black carribean as they will go through a hard time to get a wife white converts will find it easy in some ways
I have noticed severe discrimination in the Pakistani and Indian peoples. They tend to keep to themselves when it comes to marriage. In my opinion they are the worst offenders.
I am currently in this situation. I am a somali sister and a revert who is jamaican is interested for my hand in marriage. I’ve told my mother but she has not favoured this choice, but I’m not willing to back down.
Any advice on how I can get her to turn around?
JazakAllah,
Rayann
sister listen to what your mom tells you. you dont have to marry non_somali to be a good muslium. From my experience i learend mixed marriages dont work, dont lose your family for man you dont know. Remember the importance of obeying your parents in islam.I know many girls who married black reverts against their parents wish, most of this girls walhi today are divorce single mothers with no one to turn into.
You’re correct.
You can be happy can be happy being married with a person of from your same inner circle, however, I struggles with your reasoning. You said thatmixed marriages doesn’t work? That’s funny. There have are people who have been in these kinds of relationships for years until the day they die. I don’t know if you have every heard of the story about an interracial couple named Richard and Mildred Loving,but if you ever followed their love story, they were together during a time, where it wasn’t popular being it and in their case, illegal. This was the 1950’s and 1960’s, during the Jim Crow era, where Black, White and some other races couldn’t be seen in public.
The Lovings had to go through many trials of people mocking their marriage. One can only imagine people spitting on them, possibly family members disowning them, people telling them that they shouldn’t be together because of who they are. I’m quite sure that it hurted them tremendously, yet they stuck it out until they both passed.As an open minded AA, I will always commend these people for exemplifying what true love is. It’s beauftiful,unconditional and much as none of us want to go through it, I can be painful and sacrificial for the better.
I don’t know they kind of African-American/Black husband you had. If he was crooked ,ok, you should have let him alone, but you cannot blame the 40 million+ Black men in the US or other Black men from this diaspora because of his character.You also cannot guarantee that marrying into your own culture will constitute happiness. Only god knows best.
You’re also right ,God wants us to always honor our parents, but god also wants us not to disregard people who may not come from our inner circle. I may not not be of the Muslim faith, but if there is anything that I’ve learned from my Muslim friends,their imams and from my faith) is that God condemns prejudice of any sort. God may praise those who are sacrificing themselves for him and condemn those who look down on his people. My parents/friends would never disown me because of the non-Black man I may introduce to them because they love me, they are honoring the almighty and it’s just plain wrong to do it(disown).
Salam Sister, About me I am a Jamaican revert and I am married to an Egyptian muslim ( with her parents blessing) alhamdullah. Please, try to talk to your parents but if they say no, then listen to them. Obey your parents.
Salam
Salam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,
I have met a really nice Black muslim revert brother, who I’d like to marry, problem is unfortunately, I know my parents would say no just because of difference in ethnicity (am Asian) and I know that if my father says no then I cant marry this brother. However, I dont want to marry any other ethnicity especially, anyone that my parents choose as, I dont find any of them attractive and neither are they the religious type, which everyone truly needs. But I am ONLY interested in marrying a pious muslim, as long as he is Black, so what do I do there ??
Jazak Allah
Assalaamu alaikum
Mixed marriages do work – I’m in one and so are many brothers and sisters I know. I haven’t experienced any negativity from my family or my wife’s family. I can’t help suspecting it could be a self fulfilling prophesy if there was any, though. Families are never perfect, and sometimes people don’t change. However wrong they may be, you have to know that you are so some extent going to have to live with it. And if the the man is irresponsible that is nothing to do with him being from another race – that’s him – and the influences he was brought up with. If during his life he saw it as normal for men to walk away from a wife and child, if he is weak there is an increased probability of him doing the same. Just like any other environmental factor. In some cultures it is common (but not respected or acceptable) for women to be put under extreme pressure to milk their spouse for everything and anything for the benefit of her family, even if this means turning them against their own family. A different situation and a different issue – but still destructive.
this is very very true sister Maya. I myself married a black brother, who is a revert and gives dawah. I was mesmerised by his seemingly religiuos words. But when i married him i realised he did not do what he preached. My pakistani friend is also facing a similar dilema to me. They seem to be practising the deen from the outside but truly within a family they barely live up to their responsibilities. Im not saying all black brothers are like that but 90% are like that. They are generally stingy brothers and this is difficuilt for an asian girl. I also have a bengali sister who married a so called practising brother, but it seemed like she has to remain on benefits all her life and he dont support her financially. Talking from experience these brothers barely pay any mahr. So when a marriage is to end the girl has nothing. Most of them also misuse polygyny. They have no money no time yet they take on a 4th wife. Wallahi i am not racist, but this is fact and is a growing concern in our society. Asian sisters out there you should only marry out of your culture (especially if you want to marry a black brother) only if your family agree (parents especially) and also if you and your family has known that person for good 5 years. wassalam
Sister Rayann. I am a tv producer for an Islamic channel. I am working on a documentary about Inter-racial marriages within the Muslim community. I would very much like to chat to you about your experience. I would really appreciate if you can get in touch with me through my email sakina.datoo@gmail.com. Thanks.
sister as a muslim i tell you do what Allah and his messenger tell you, if your mum tells you something good then you accept and follow but if she tells you something bad then you don’t follow, now if she has told you not to marry him based upon skin colour then don’t agree with her as this is from jahillya and haram!
the prophet (saw) said: whoever brings up the affairs of jahilliya (tribalism, racism, nationalism) let him bite the penis of his father!
Allah says he has created us and made us different colours and tribes so we may get to know each other
and im sure you can do mre research, make istikharah insha Allah and if you feel this is a good thing then bring the shaikh/imam to visit your family so they can tell him the reason why they don’t want you to marry this guy, if it is solely on race then according to the shariah you will have the right to change you walaiya (wali) and the imam can do it for you, o mysef am a jamaican married to somali, this si the DEEN OF ALLAH, not the deen of racists, and all those somalis or whoever disses them because their jamaican or black then let them as Allah says whoevere takes a beloved of my as an enemy the Allah will be the emeny of that person, no will enter janah untill Allah has accounted everything even a sheep raming a smaller sheep with it horn, islam is justice sister, a deen that one submits his will to Allah not his tribe the qur’an is also called furqan,which means on that seperate, the truth from the falsehood, im not saying break your family but imagine you refuse then marry some man your not happy with bujt there happy because they can go to a walimah and say oh my daughter got marreid to so and so from such a tribe and have kibr, no you will be the one who is married, the one who has the arguemnent, the highs the lows the death so you choose who you want to experience that with, you are a MUSLIMAH.
I saw the advice you gave to sister rayann. Let me tell you something about our somali parents, there are no better parents on this world, they gave up everything back home so we could have a good life and now you’re telling a somali sister to ignore her parent wishes. The parents try to get the best for their children. First you jamaicans used the race card blaming everyone why your community is massed up, now you try to get into our beloved community and culture by using the religion card. What I dsilike about jamaican reverts is you come into our community by force, without invitation use the religion cards, actually manage to brainwash one or two somali girls you marry them, they get pregnant, you devorce them and then those girls come back to the community and we have to fix your damage. You jamaican men destroid your own community, that’s why our parents don’t won’t men like you for us. Somali girls have more value then diamonds to parents, from the day the girl is born, the father, brothers keep an eye on her, they make sure she doesn’t get into any problems, protect her. The day she tells her parents she found someone for marriage, her family investigate the history of the man, his occupation,crime rec etc, that’s how much our parents love us. I don’t know what’s wrong with some of the somali women in this forum must have fallen on their heads. Our parents put their own life on the line to bring us to savety, they moved to strange countries with cold strange food for us, so how can we not walk away from a man when they tell us to do so? We the somali children have to protect our parents now, because we are the grown ups now and they miss home very bad, so we have to save money to bring them at least twice a year back home for holiday and we have to bring an husband they can be content with and happy. To be honest Mo you are the jahil one here for telling a muslim sister to ignore parent wishes. Do you know without your parent blessing you will never be truly happy? Paredise lies at the feet of your mother. A father’s pleasure is Allah’s pleasure, a father’s displeasure is Allah’s displeasure, so stop using the religion card because I have few of those as well. When my parent tell me to jumb I ask them how high? To the somali girls who fell on their heads, please family is for life, a man come and go and yes Allah swt might grand her a better man as a reward because she put her parent happiness before her own. Allah swt rewards every act of kindness small or big. So Mo you and all the jamaican reverts just need to mind your own problems, just like truth monger said you try to profit from something other people have worked hard for to build and don’t do anything to establish something for your own people.
yes she should ignore jahiiyah and accept islam.. simplesss.
these sister listen. these people can say what they want irf you accept islam then its good follow what is the truth from your religion. and to the sister above don’t ive me sob story coz i don’t care, you came to the west of your own free will no one forced you to come anywhere.
now im a muslim married to a somali like it or lump it, i will just assume that you are also a racist as you seem to collectivly diss my community but its all good i don’t really get offended ny biggots, you don’t know me nor all the jamaicans in the world nor all the somalis in the world so what you say is jahil and jahil is rubbish. it is not brainwashing with religion, if the sister wants to follow relgion then she will judge according to it and we follow the same path so i have no other advice to give her expect from religion as for you it seems as if you follow the path of ignorance and triblism so you have no matter her in regards to advising someone on an islamic marriage, maybe on a somali trible yes advise as much as you like, but in regards to practicing sisters somali or others then advise according to want they follow not by your ignorance..good day
Salaam, hope my advice is not to late, you need to back down sister. Have you forgotten who was there to nurture you when you were helpless? How would you feel if your own child would disregard your wishes? Your mother would be happy for you to be with a somali man so she can speak with him the mother language and someone she feels comfortable with and don’t have to explain the culture. You know, everything about us somali is tradition and culture. Asking for a girls hand is already a long traditional protocol. Wallahi the majority of the girls married to jamaican reverts end up divorced within 5years, pregnant and they go back home to their parents worse off than when they left. Sister what we are dealing here with are damaged men from a broken community. The majority of the jamaican men come from broken household, with no father to teach them how to be responsible, they have alot of baggage, and most of them have criminal records, they actually get approached to come into Islam from prison.
Please before you get into anything do your own research, you can’t fix ones it’s broken. It’s your life and ones you take a road you will not be able to come back from it, if you end up divorced and the chance is big you will, you will always be outcast within somali community your children will be outcast. Where will your children belong, what culture will they have and what if your daughters feel the need to marry somali men, how big is the chance your daughters will find marriage within the somali community???? You need to think about all the possibilities of things that can happen. Listen to me and sister maya, we tell you the way the world is put together not a fairy tail. Just like Maya said you don’t need to marry outside your culture to be a good Muslim and yes listen to your mum that lady got wisdom and enough strenght to get you out of a war zone, otherwise trust me you would be still in somalia dudging bullets. Insha Allah, Allah swt will guide you to your destination, everything in life happens for a reason.
True sister Halima and sisiter Maya. I used to think my mum dont know nothing,that she is backward and that i know more than her. But wallahi mothers are INTUITIVE by nature. They somehow know whats best for kids. Its mainly because of thier expereience in life. My mum aint racist, she is very open minded yet she disagreed me marrying a black revert who has wives. Not because he has wives but because she knew the culture and ethics of black people. Now step by step i see her each and every word becoming into a miserable reality in my life. And it is not only this she is right about but also many other things that she foretold in the past and warned me about had backfired on me too. It is also from our deen that we marry someone with whom our parents are happy with. If we do not than by fact 98%of such marriages are ended in divorce.
Sis i dont understand why u are getting over emotional for just by reading your comments above i can tell that ur annoyed about the whole jamaican thing. Im somali myself walahi i hear were your coming from but there is no need to be ignorant and norrow minded. what you guys need to understand is that every race on this earth are rasict or prejudicst in some way. It doesnt matter what colour you are either way we all bleed the same colour. i support people marrying outside their race there is nothing wrong with that mashallah and inshallah wen i finish uni i want to marry a white revert brother inshallah inshallah inshallah * fingers crossed* :)Never give up hope in life, if its meant to be it will be. Its in the decree of allah swt.
sister i know i know the pain you are going through,i myself i m Somalian and African American guy wants to me with me but my family doesn’t approve because he is not Somalian it doesn’t matter whether he is Muslim or not.they say because we have different culture and its better to marry someone from ur own can because they will understand you..they say beacuse we are different and they will not understand us.i dont understand it i though they person had to Mulsim but no adays that doesnt matter.what can a SOmlia guy do for me that a non Somalia guy can’t.It hard to understand but all i can tell you is to pray to Allah and make Dua.
Sister,
Try to convince your parents of your desire to marry this man. Make istakharah. basically, You are telling Allah that with your eyes the man that you love seem good for you but you are asking Allah if he is good for you. Allah will send you a sign, but sometime the sign he sends is not the one you want to see. Lastly Allah command us to listen to our parents. Please our parents that will bring hasanah.
salam
When I first looked this website, I did not consider the background of the creator of it and it didn’t matter. I do know know one thing: hearing your open-mic poetry is making me a lover of it. I admit, I haven’t always liked it as some of the poets/poetesses turned me away from that type of poetry,but it’s growing on me, very quickly. keep up the good work.
Although I’m not a Muslim, as Christian woman I wouldn’t look down at it and if I were a Muslim my feelings about the issue would be the same. Respectfully, it’s not culture and/or background that keeps their marriage together,it’s their desire to want to be married is what keeps them together.
When I hear people(of any background) use race and/or cultural backgrounds to define good marriages, not only do I see some of their views as prejudicial,but I also see it was a way take the easy way out of things.No matter we would want to have perfect marriages, it doesn’t exist. There will be good and bad times in it,but it has nothing to with the color of one’s color and culture.
in my diverse, family it consist of people of mixed races, cultures, religions and disabilities and a great deal of them have been married to their spouses for ages.They are also my inspirations into what would like for my marriage. They are strong,they are realistic and they exemplify what good marriages should be about. The problem with some people, they want it their way or there is no way.It’s sad that our idea of the “perfect” spouse relates to such bogus things.
First of all the truth of the matter is a Muslim man can marry “any” believing women. That cuts down immediately on the numbers for believeing Muslim women right? So then we get into the gossipers and liars who go throughout the community talking garbage about black women to men, who might be interested in marrying a sister but these loud mouths, Muslim men, “don’t marry a sister” this bunch. Ya Allah. Please. At any rate I know sisters married to Pakistani’s, Persians, Moroccans,and everything in between. Find what works for you, and wait on Allah to guide you to the right person.
What happened to my comment? Something about it needed modification, was I supposed to sugar-coat my comment? I do apologise, but hey I thought I mention the big fat elephant in the room nothing wrong with that.
I need more than 1 day sometimes to get to approving 1st time commenters.
sallam brothers and sisters,
I know finding a wife/husband is getting hard these days. be patient, make dua and have hope inshallah. You can also try and check out this site…
http://www.singleblackmuslim.com
inshallah we all find someone 🙂
Isa
So what is the problem with Muslim African-American/Caribbean men? Why do they care about women from other race? Why don’t they not just marry their own women? There are plenty Muslim African-American/Caribbean women out there looking for husbands. Why the inferior complex? They must hate themselves if they are so desperate searching to be accepted and are desperately searching to marry outside their race. I think the reason a lot of Muslim women would not won’t to marry African-American/Caribbean men is because of some nasty stigma on them. First stigma-they cheat a lot, second stigma- they don’t take care of their women, family, community, hence the reason there are so many broken family within their community. Third stigma comes from the TV, the hip hop and bling bling lifestyle they are after. So again why this article if the African-American/Caribbean men love his own women takes care of her and he doesn’t suffer from inferior complex? When you love yourself, your people and your culture and you take care of your community, then the stigma dies and women from other race will be attracted to you. Also I don’t agree with the idea of African women being disadvantage in the marriage area. I’m a Somali woman the way my community operates is, as soon the girl wants’ to get married she let the family and friends know and she starts socialising, going to weddings etc. You Somalia ladies know what I mean, we Somalia’s don’t have the whole segregation of male/female thing, so it is really very easy through friends, family and socialising to meet someone and eventually get married. I hate this type of articles and always make me moody, I don’t see myself as an racist just because I would like to marry someone from the same culture background and I don’t won’t my children to have identity crisis.
On the one hand, I agree with your point that the idea of a Black man specifically looking to marry outside of his own race is problematic.
However, I have a BIG problem with the tirade of racist (and yes, that’s what it’s called when you judge a whole race of people by a few negative stereotypes) comments you’ve put here.
My father was black. He’s now passed away but within his life time he was a great example of what it means to be a good man and a good Muslim. He died relatively young, but within his time in London he managed to help set up 2 mosques which are now very well known Black Muslim communities in South London (therefore I refute what ‘the truthmonger’ said about black Muslims leeching off of other communities). He also raised me and my siblings well, and so did his best to take care of his wife, family and community. He (like most black men in the world) could never be defined by the ‘bling bling’ lifestyle you claim black men are after. So please, try and think about what you’re basing your prejudice on. Do you really think you can understand what it means to be a black man by watching CNN and MTV? Do you think that Somali culture or Muslims in general are represented fairly by these mediums?
Your comment ignores thousands of years of oppression and emasculation of African-American men. The reason why there are ‘broken societies’ amongst black communities in America and the Caribbean could possibly have more to do with the fact that for hundreds of years their societies were forcefully broken. The fact that they are still being forced down by a lack of opportunities and the type of racism you exemplify here. Do you think that if those black men did not have to carry the burden of a history of slavery with them up to this day they would be the same? Is it really because they are black? And if so, how do you explain the envious family units that make up the communities in Africa?
Please. Being on the defensive does not give you the right to display your racist views as if they are acceptable. I’m not saying that anyone who doesn’t want to marry a black man/woman is racist. I’m just saying that it’s wrong to try and use degrading and incorrect generalisations as a defence. I hope that you never have to experience the result of the type of ignorance that you’ve displayed here.
Salaams sister.
i think we as muslims should be open minded… also that our islam is fair.. and we shouldnt care about anybody skin color…thank u
As a student of knowledge allow me please to give you one perspective on this issue. In America we have a complexed situation when it comes to Muslims and Black and Black Muslims the whole lot. The problem is we Muslims Americans have put and allowed to be put on os and ourselves a lable of who is what is a Muslim American. Point (1) Most of ue who are not taught Islam well beleive that if a brother can speak Arabic Language he must know Islam well. This is false. Speaking arabic and knowing the Aqeedah of Islam hae nothing in common.Point(2) when a non American is confronted with an American Muslim(blackman) he finds he Islam strong and he the (non)American can’t help to ask heself, “how i it that these people can take Islam so strong”, and he is right. He does not understand our committment to Islam. Thus when his daughter or sister falls for one of us Black men (Muslims) he can’t deal with that, he thinks that his own shortcomings will be known or seen because he sees that his Black conterpart who has not had the history of Islam He(non) American has had sees that his Islam his belief is stronger. He sees it and he knows his daughter or sister will also sees. This he cannot deal with , he cannot handle.
Keep in mind this is only one perspective.
As-salaamu alaikoum..
I would totally marry a black brothers..i love african american muslim…i totaly love them…
Iam somali gurl,whoi nlove with crhristan man..he is from Ethopia..and i was so scared to marry him..he love me like his mom.i even dont lve my self like that..sometimes.i cry alot.my friends somali.they talk alot about me.i need help.He even said.i will become amuslim,if u marry me.wow.now he left in uk.and i live in u.s.a…thnx alot.mash lalah.iam happy my lil lifetime.
Salam wa alaykum,
Yes I read this article some months ago and it was one of the things that helped influence me into starting my own blog called After the Nikah. I constructed a post specifically about racial bias in the Muslim community. I adhere to another sister’s comments here that Black women do get the shortest end of the stick but this love/need for lighter and whiter skin hinders many.
Someone made a comment about a Black brother marrying an Asian and how they would need to run away ahahha. My mother who is Indian (from India) but born in Africa married my black father in the states. She was exiled immediately but eventually her family changed their minds. Even they arent together I have realized growing up that my identity was unique. My husband is originally from North Africa didnt seem to harbor any cultural or racial bias which was good for me. In fact we look like each other which is creepy. I like this article, too bad there isnt more written about these issues in the community. I hope to personally do my part inshallah.
Aslaamu alikom. I am a somali sister, and I’m married to a white revert. My parents accepted him once they got to meet him. However apart from my parents most of my relatives and family friends were against it and tried to stop it but alhumdillah my dad refused to listen to them. But i know for sure it would have been even harder getting married to a black brother.
I myself am going through this situation. I am from Pakistan and I truly love this black man but my parents would not accept. I am not sure, but I think they are afraid of change. They want me o marry a Pakistani. But any ways whatever Allah decides will be good for me. I hope Muslims start accepting every color and not discriminate, because that is not Islamic at all. Actually Islam forbids us from being racist in the first place. After all we are from the same parents Adam and Eve.
I’m going through a same situation. I’m in love with a Muslim Black brother and he loves me a great deal, he would absolutely do anything for me. The only problem is that my parents have stated their reservations for me, his “blackness” might shock the Pakistani community and that his culture is completely different. But I honestly don’t care. What is color anyways? God makes us all, and we are all equal. I will iA marry him at the end of this all and I hope more girls like me can have the courage to put their foot down and stand against this racial bias. We are all one and we are all united.
sister if anything was to go wrong between you n him then you will have non to turn to. Also sister it is haraam for you to fall in love with this guy and vice versa(unless you speak to him with a mahram present). It shouldnt be about you going againstt your parents racist ideology and proving your point to them that there is no room for racism in our deen, marrying a black brother without their will aint gointg to solve the racial problem. I am very much sure our asian parents are not racist, they are aware that black, white, carrabean,asians etc all can enter jannah as long as they are muslims. They will never say that a black or chinese muslim revert will go to hell. They know that Allah sees us all equally. So how can they be racist? the answer is that they are not racsit but they arthey feel the incompatibilty of culture is going to cause a clash in a marriage. This is very much the truth and result of such marriages. Rarely it may work if both spouses are always high in eaman and are very very god fearing people than culture would not be MUCH of an issue. Remember this is so rare that it is almost instinct in this day and age.
I am in the same sort of situation, i have been married previously to a white revert, it didnt work out, I have now met a somali brother, and we both have been through previous marriages and want to marry, i presented this to my parents and they totally disagree, to be honest i still think they are disappointed with my 1st marriage and claim i must marry a pakistani now, And that the only decision i can make is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to pakistani men they recommend for me. I went through alot for my 1st marriage, and im so lost right now, i thought divorced women had more rights to choose their partners? this man i have met is very pious and even stated he would walk away from me if there were too many complications with my parents, but my parents were not straight with me or him and now im more determined to marry him! All i want is to do right by islam now, and gain my rights islamically. I need advice!!
one more thing…..
something that salma said made me remember something..black sisters and brothers, some of them also adopt this way of think to a small degree…like alot of african sister only want white brothers of arab brothers and would state this on their marriage profile recieve no responses get disheartend and say all these people are racist, its because im black but when a black brother appraoches them they act like their not interested some don’t even reply! leave you hanging..
at the end of the day the world is not a fear place and we have to deal with its life..if you can’t handle life then we must stay in our houses…but if you really want to see what the muslims are like go to there countries…masha Allah i have been to alot..like jordon,yemen and even somalia to be very honest ive seen racism maybe once or twice, an arab man didn’t want to give me my change in my hand, oh well i’ll live.. and in yemen a sana’ani called a somlian man habash.. he said “HAY HABASH”
assalaamu alaikom brothers and sisters
im jamaican married to a somali girl in the uk, alhamdulillh i was accepted by the family and now the dad even calls me son! but i do understand there is alot of racism in the muslim ummah towards black brothers, im a real man! so these things don’t affect me anyway, i have heard alot of stories from black brothers who want to get married. i have never heard of a black brother married to an asian except that they must run away together and do the nikah is secret, same with somali sisters,except me of course! arabs and the list goes on..but when it come to a white man “oh masha Allah my daughter married a REVERT we are such good muslims” what colur is the revert “white” ermm! ok masha Allah, somali sister like that the most, italian/white….
but let me get one thing straight…alot of the sisters wouldn’t mind, its the parents who don’t allow them….i mean i had meetings with sisters from lubnan, egypt, somalia and all was well.
but to all black brothers out there, i really think we should be stronger than that…coz if someone don’t like you because your colour then im sure he is not worth knowing, don’t let no one chat rubbish to you…you come from a slave background but who were the slaves? some were kings,queens, mujahideen,ulemah people of society before the slave masters came, be a man and ever ever ever let the actions and the weak mind people who suck up to the white man (no offence) have any affect on your heart.. in essence we are strong people…and one of the reasons why they don’t like is is because we are to strong in our minds and bodies!
asalam aleykum my dear brothers and sisters. It is so true that there is a lot of division among us muslims today, what a shame and pity. I as an British African who has been experienced immense first hand discrimination especially on these so called muslim marriage websites here in the UK. we might as well call them Asian marriage websites.and I am not generalising, but merely trying to highlight the vast divisions that are evident among us muslims. It shouldnt matter as my fellow brothers and sisters have previously mentioned what colour we marry, black, yellow, blue or whatever. what should really matter is how piuos, respectable, humble our prospective patners in deen and life are. inshallah may Allah (swt)shower us with his guidance.
Most of the discrimination I have come across in the muslim community in the UK is more pro-family (pro-tribe?) and not really anti any particular group. Especially regarding marriage. A relationship of “protocol” is maintained with Muslims outside the extended family and that’s it. This does not make it any less wrong, however. The desire to keep everything within the extended family is not a sunnah – we have been encouraged to marry “out” – and 1400 years ago it was a lot more difficult to so than it is today. This family / tribal / ethno centricity causes a lot of issues and leaves many Muslims feeling like strangers in their own back yards.
salam to all my sister and brother,
I strongly agree with Nabila, i am a mixed asian myself, and i feel that as a muslim we should be aware of how we behave,to be conscious of our action and speech,to discriminate people for its skin colour that is not islamic at all.
Regradless, of whatever the reason, deep down we are all human and its the taqwa that differentiates us amongst each other in the eye of Allah (swt)..
I would honourably and gladly marry an african brother, who is pious and practise Islam like The Prophet Muhammad saw
Assalaamualaykum,
I’m a African American Muslim revert & currently I’m in an relationship with an Somalian Muslim sister. I must say, her personality is so beautiful & we are very fond of one another. It seems like we have everything in common. Inshallah, I hope to marry her, however, I’m not sure how her parents would react being that some in this Ummah still adhere to blinding racist/nationalistic & tribal beliefs. I must say I am nervous, but I will stand my ground, because the bottom line is that the Sharia is the law, not one’s racist beliefs. Keep me in your Duas.
Salaams
I get so tired of seeing this as an issue amongst Muslims all over the world. Why is skin color an issue at all? Are we not all the same? Are we not all made as one species and as the human race? I just don’t get it but perhaps it’s because I was raised without prejudice as a Saudi woman in a Saudi family in Saudi Arabia. Don’t get me wrong, the KSA has many prejudices as you already know but no one around me even mentioned skin color in marriage or at all. When my sister married a Pakistani brother with brown skin…so what! When my cousin married an Indonesian brother with olive skin…so what! My family accepted them all because they were good Muslim men not because of their skin color. My sister and cousin are very happy women to this day. Now it’s my turn and I know that whomever my father and uncles choose for me that it will be because of his love for Allah(SWT) and NOT because of his skin color because I personally love all people and a Black husband who loves me and our children would make me just as happy as an Arab one! I know I am not in the norm from people I’ve met in the States but this is how my parents raised me to love Islam and its people and what skin color they were born with is just as beautiful as my own! One thing I saw very much was prejudice in Pakistani and Indian cultures amongst their own people, light or fair skinned versus brown or black skinned Indians. Shameful!! So it’s not just within race, but amongst countrymen as well! Sorry to go on and on I am just tired of this petty skin color prejudice that some people display. I love this article brother thank you!
salam,
i would marry anyone out of my race. i am Asian, but I could easily pass for a Middle Eastern because of my skin color. If the person is worthy enough and he has a good backround, then why not? Muhammad(saw) treated Bilal like a normal person. He didn’t discriminate them and he also gave Bilal the honorable role of reciting the adhaan. Masha ALLAH !!!
Was Salam,
Nabila
Salamaleikum,
An interesting topic mashaAllah. I, an african brother have had the missopportunity to have lost the perfect companion, who is also african but arabic speaking. the issue of racism, especially against black muslims is not a new one, but I cannot help but think, WHY make such a big concern about it? is it not enough to know that Allah banished satan for this crime?this is enough and must be enough consolation for one who practices for ALLAH only, and let go of the self pity, they won’t admit this, but many of those people actually LOVE dark skin, but opportunity has not smiled at them, and in the end… you have to allow for people to do their thing, if they don’t like a certain complexion, then let itbe their problem, not your inshAllah. personallyI have seen thebeauty of muslims even from within the arab and other communities, its just sad to see our own people follow satans idiotic principles so slavishly even when it has been reported in a sahih narration that ‘if you should hear someone bragging about lineage, tell them to bite onto their fathers penis, and do not be polite about it’ inshAllah, get on with life, Allah is only testing you, and stop complaining to the creation.. they can change nothing. Salamaleikum
Sickeningly in my neighbourhood when I was a young’un we’d get told darker coloured people shouldn’t marry paler skinned people for fear their children would be ‘half-caste’, as though that were a mutation… Racialists. I think I still have that term lodged in my head somewhere and it flutters forward when I see someone’s colouring similar to mine, beige’ish.
I don’t know; we have this difference in our eyes, perhaps copied & pasted from the devilish arrogance that colouring does matter, it does amount to something, but what?
Our cultures, families and society’s may label groups however but on an individual level we would have to stoop real low to let the design we were born with, completely out of our control, become a deciding or any factor at all into our marriage choices.
As-salaamu alaikoum
I would totally marry a black brother, but perhaps that is because I am a black sister :). I have been muslim for two years now, and am currently in my iddah of being divorced from my biracial husband (mom white, dad black, both converts mashaAllah).
I think he needs a woman like his mom, and that it does not have much to do with race.
But I wanted to add to the conversation; that it is even harder for black SISTERS to get married. Some sisters I know, darker than I, have been SHUT DOWN and told to their faces “you’re too dark” a’udhubillah!
I hear so many stories of AA A(African american)brothers who ship themselves to morocco and other places to find a “real muslim woman” as if the black american woman is not worthy of love. Men are always talking about having multiple wives not realizing that african american women, militant and aggressive as they claim us to be, are the MOST open to polygamy, and as a group african american muslims are the most polygamous in america hands down.
Perhaps these brothers have so many complaints because some of them carry their inferiority complexes into Islam and exchange white supremacy for arab supremacy, and then wonder why they get their feelings hurt when they are trying to marry everything but a sista (by sistA I mean a black girl, not a muslima which I would spell sistER)
I mean, I am all for inter-racial marriage, I would not have had my first husband if it weren’t for interracial marriage. But I’m not about it, if the basis is self hatred and racism on anyone’s part.
Asalaamu alaikum. I am an African Muslim. I must confessed I agreed with what this sister has said. First, generally Black women, whether AA or from the African Continent, are the most disadvantaged women in this part of the world. But the AA Muslim sisters is far worst when it comes to any other thing, especially marriage. Part of the fear probably lies in the believe that they are too assertive, and hostile to polygamy. But, there is also the fear that they would not like to go back to the continent. Short of this, they are loved by African Muslims and one of our dreams is to get married to them.
The issue of race in Islam is really a secondary issue. But the facts and reality on the ground makes it a serous and primary issue. Our Arab and other Asian brothers and sisters should search their souls of this issue. They should look and organise around the ways and manners Black Muslims are being treated in Arab countries generally. Even their attitude towards Blacks in West is really terrible, which is why you find Nigerian/Somalian, etc., building their Mosques, etc.
But, I am happy this issue is being discussed and for good for that matter. I pray ALLAH help us to solve our differences.
Not true sister, I was born in saudi and I have many friends who are arabs and asians and I never experienced any racism from them.I often go to mosques that are majority Arabs or Pakistanis ,alhamdulillah everyone treats me well. I think the reason they build mosques is not because of rasicm it’s because they want to cater fot thier community e.g. we have elders who dont speak english so they want hear for exapmle the khutba in somali.
Assalamu alaikum,
This is an interesting topic. I am orginally from Somalia and I married an white American revert..my family were a bit hesitant in the beginning when I told them about wanting to marry this brother but Alhamdulillah they slowly started to accept him.
My younger sister however, just married a Jamaican brother a couple of weeks ago, without our parents blessings. Now my entire family has disowned her except me…subhanAllah.
I just wanted to let you know that white reverts have it lot easier finding a spouse in the muslim community then Afro-Americans or Afro-Carribeans.
Amongst the Somali community the dislike towards these brothers marrying their daughters is really bad. No one in my family has ever met my Jamaican brother inlaw yet…they never want to meet him audubillah. Very sad indeed.
I honestly think that muslim sisters need to put their foot down sometimes, especially when their parents come with such horrible rejections to another muslim because of their race ( in our case, it is a bit funny coz we are black too lol). Other wise, we will not get pass this.
Fatima
Salam alaykum sister.
MashaAllah may Allah grant you and your sister happiness in your spouses.
Just wondering if I could ask for a word of advice as I am currently in this situation. I am a somali sister and a revert who is half english and half jamaican is interested for my hand in marriage. I’ve told my mother but she has not favoured this choice, but I’m not willing to back down. Any advice on how I can get her to turn around?
JazakAllah,
Rayann
Salaams Sister Fatima,
I am a tv producer for an Islamic channel. I am working on a documentary about Inter-racial marriages within the Muslim community. I would very much like to chat to you about both your, and your sister’s experiences. I would really appreciate if you can get in touch with me through my email sakina.datoo@gmail.com. Thanks.
Comment 4
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Jamilah Kolocotronis
These last few days I’ve come across several discussions about race in the American ummah. I’m a white convert married to a Thai Muslim.
As the mother of sons I think about marriage. My oldest married a European sister whom he met while studying overseas. In the past when I’ve jokingly talked about my younger boys marrying some girl, some of the mothers have given me hard stares. This is especially true of South Asian Muslims, in my experience. I don’t know what girls my other boys will marry, and I don’t care as long as they are practicing Muslimahs.
These conversations are long overdue. I’ve been a Muslim for 28 years and for the first 20 years I tried to emulate the strict Arabic way of practice. Now I’m myself, and Islam adds to the richness to my identity.
These discussions will make us all stronger and healthier in the end.
Comment 3
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Aaminah Hernandez
Asalaamu alaikum. I am a Native American/Scots/Irish convert. My son is 3/4 NA but “passes” for white. He experiences a lot of discomfort and harrassment in the masjid because of his perceived ethnicity. He has always been open to girls and friends of all ethnicities, and hopes to marry relatively young, inshaAllah. This weekend he mentioned “liking” a girl he has seen in the masjid who he sees always in hijab and being very helpful. Unbeknownst to him, she is the Egyptian imam’s daughter. My first thought was that she will have high expectations as an imam’s daughter, but my second thought was that I don’t think my son would even be considered by her family anyway because we are converts and because of his ethnic make-up and our blending of Native culture with our Islam.
Of course it’s too early to worry too much about who he will marry, and what I most care about is that the girl be a good Muslimah. But I suspect that there is a higher chance of my son marrying a girl who is also “marginalized” because they may be the only ones willing to give him a chance. AlhamdulAllah for whatever the case may be.
I myself have married a fellow Native, a white man, a Mauritanian, and a Latino. I’ve also had serious discussions since being Muslim with a Sudanese, a Somali, and of course different converts of all backgrounds. I am absolutely not adverse to marrying an African American, African, or Afro-Carribean man. And it really saddens me that so many can say they wouldn’t even consider it. We do need to talk about these things. May Allah provide healing for these unnecessary rifts in our ummah.
Comment 2
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Pamela Taylor
It seems to me the issue of marriage is a good jumping off point.
I wonder how many Muslims would discriminate, say, in hiring a babysitter for their children or a contractor for yard work. Would we be more likely to hire an arab sister to watch the kids than an afroamerican one? Or a latino to do remodeling work? Or how about professionals… I know a lot ofpeople in our community go out of their way to frequent Muslim doctors or go to Muslim owned stores, does that include people whose background or race is different than your own? My suspicion is there is probably a certain level of discrimination across the boards.
Here are some comments that I have brought over from the old webhost for Brotherdash.com:
Comment 1
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Thank you for asking questions that too many of us are too uncomfortable to ask.
As a young woman from an African Arab country who was raised in a multicultural socity am faced with this very issue today. Adhering to what I believe is right and choosing a husband based on his character and belief in Islam regardless of his culture or how he came to Islam, versus adhering to my family’s prejudice views for the sake of pleasing them. I can only stand my ground and hope that one day they will come to appreciate him as I do.
I think it is time that Muslims stop using calls for equality as just words that sound good in a sermon or on TV and actually live their lives accordingly.
We complain about being marginalized in society, yet we do not acknowledge our own prejudice beliefs.
Thank you for starting this discussion and for you beautiful poetry.